JOTD

1. *Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:*
Guitar, For Sale... Cheap... No Strings Attached.

2. *Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:*
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight... One Lung At A Time!

3. *On A Bulletin Board:*
Success Is Relative. The More The Success, The More The Relatives.

4. *When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...*
I Gave Up Reading.

5. *My Grandfather Is Eighty & Still Doesn't Need Glasses...* He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

6. *You know your kids have Grown Up When:*
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or When Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.

7. *Sign In A Bar:* 'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Do Pay In Advance.'

8. *Sign In Driving School:* If Your Wife Wants To Learn Driving, Don't Stand In Her Way....

9. *Behind every Great Man...* There’s a Surprised Woman.

10. *The Reason Men Lie Is Because...* Women Ask Too Many Questions...

11. *Laugh And The World Laughs With You..* Snore & You Sleep Alone.

12. *The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe...* Is The Fact That It’s Never Tried To Contact Us.

13. *Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit:* We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..

14. *Sign In A Restaurant:* All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

 

Towards the end of a sermon, a Priest asked: "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"‎
‎
80% held up their hands.
‎
The Priest then repeated his question.
‎
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
‎
"Mrs. John ? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
‎
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
‎
"Mrs. John that is very unusual. How old are you?"
‎
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
‎
"Oh, would you please come over in front and tell us all how a person of ninety-eight years of age not have an enemy in the world?"
‎
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation & said: ‎" None of them is alive. I have outlived all the bastards & bitches." ‎

 

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10157343117106840

 

Another fine old joke……………………………

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics' shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem, how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why, thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he said 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

 

Brilliant in its simplicity.....


A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.


B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.


C. In three generations, there will be no Greens.






Such an unfair world:-


When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment.


When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).




My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.




Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you..




Wife to husband: You told me you'd spend your whole life trying to make me happy.


Husband to wife: I didn't expect to live this long!




As I grow older.... My mind doesn't just wander... Sometimes it buggers off completely.




As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everybody is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.




Isn't it weird that in Australia our flag and culture offends so many people, yet our benefits don’t.

 

I run a philosophy group twice a month and it's full of left wing ratbags. I usually come out and say:

Let those women who want abortions have them.

Let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

And in three generations, there will be no Lefties.

 

Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doc :- How come???
Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet...

A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".

This one is classic !!
A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it : "Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!"

 

How a BEDROOM smells after MARRIAGE:
First 3 years....
Perfumes, Flowers,
Chocolate,
Fruits...

�������������
After 3 years....
Baby Powder, Johnson's Cream and Lotions,
Baby Oils....

�������������
After 15 years....
Tiger balm, axe oil, methylsalicilate ointment
Vicks

�������������
After 40 years....
Spiritual books, watching Tv alone

�������������
Four stages of marriage:
��Mad for each other,
�� Made for each other,
�� Mad at each other &
�� Mad because of each other

�������������
What's Marriage?
Answer- MARRIAGE Is The 7th Sense of Humans, that Destroys All The Six Senses and Makes The Person NON Sense..!

�������������
Definition Of Happy Couple -
HE Does What SHE Wants…
SHE Does What SHE Wants

�������������
Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command....

Husband:
Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband..!!

'Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life."
- Shakespeare

"Laughing At your Wife's Mistakes, can SHORTEN your Life...."
- Shakespeare's Wife

 

If I swallow magnets..............Will I be attractive??

 

Yes , but remember only opposites attract.