JOTD

He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards, then backwards.

Forwards, backwards Back & forth Back & forth In & out In & out Her heart was pounding faster,

her face was getting flushed and she started to grunt and groan. Then she let out an almighty scream,

" OK, So I can't park the freaking car, you do it you smug bastard!

 

*Not the way we learned these!!!!!*

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.
********************

Mary had a little lamb.

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.
********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again..

********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad.........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

************************

You have to be old enough to appreciate these.

If you don't understand them, it is because you are too young.

 

Ahhh yes, memories.

And this one perhaps updates:

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie Porgy made a public statement that he deeply regretted his actions and withdrew from public life, as other girls started to come forward.

 

The boss phoned and said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

He replies," Could you Speed Up a little, I'm in the four-ball just behind you."
⛳‍♂

 

Silver is running in the year of the dog

 

What does a house wear when it goes out?
Address.

 

print a red foot for the duck or a blue foot or a yellow one or a green one.
BRAND NEW Foot

 

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.


She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.


On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.


A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'



Now she's feeling really good about herself.


She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'



While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going, although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.


It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'


They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast, gently pinches each nipple,


then pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.


After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay. How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”



”I was behind you at McDonalds.”

 

The Haircut





Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without Forgetting.


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he Asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money From you, I'm doing community service this week.'


The florist was pleased and left the shop.


When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.


Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, The barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing Community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.


The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank You ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.


Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to Pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from You. I'm doing community service this week. 'The Member of Parliament Was very happy and left the shop.


The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between The citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

For pun lovers…


Sign in a shoe repair store…

We will heel you

We will save your sole

We will even dye for you.


Sign on a ‘Blinds & Curtain’ truck…

"Blind man driving."


In a Podiatrist's office…

"Time wounds all heels."


On a Septic Tank Truck…

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels



At an Optometrist's Office…

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

You've come to the right place."


On a Plumber's truck…

"We repair what your husband fixed."


On another Plumber's truck…

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee…

"Invite us to your next blowout."


On an Electrician's truck…

"Let us remove your shorts."


In a Non-smoking Area…

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."


At a Car Dealership…

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."


Outside a Muffler Shop…

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."


In a Veterinarian's waiting room…

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"


At the Electric Company…

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.

However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."


In a Restaurant window…

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."


In the front yard of a Funeral Home…

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


At a Propane Filling Station…

"Thank Heaven for little grills."


And the best one for last...

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck…

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

 

Ikea founder Ingvar Kamprad died late January, they are preparing his funeral....

 

A little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,

and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says,

'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars.

I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.

I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.

The biker tells him, "I’m a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump". The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions,

and reads, on the front page:

** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **

And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these day's.

 

I love this thread

What do you call the pirate with the second largest penis?

Long john silver

 

here is the evidence, caught red footed

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1654056917982576

 

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38revolver so you will always remember me."


"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, “Times up' "?