JOTD

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Signing Mistakes

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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over home and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.

Boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

Blonde shows the boyfriend where she has the puzzle, spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....", he said with a deep sigh,




















"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
 
worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/political-jokes.
 
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rc8uyJTDhjw[/youtube]

for those of you who don't know...
there's an ongoing court case in the US called Denver Allken vs The State of Georgia
it's a murder trial, and Denver Allen is accused of the murder of an ex of an ex-girlfriend
that's not the interesting part, though(edited)
the REAL AMAZING part is the court transcripts asking for a mistrial
the following is a read-through of the actual court proceedings, read word for word from the transcripts given by the county recorder, read by the guys from Rick and Morty
Click to expand...
 
"Here is how the bank's report described the world in 1958:

The Congo's present transport system is geared mainly to the export trade, and is based on river navigation and on railroads which lead from river ports into regions producing minerals and agricultural commodities. Most of the roads radiate short distances from cities, providing farm-to-market communications. In recent years road traffic has increased rapidly with the growth of the internal market and the improvement of farming methods.

And here is the report from a half-century later, in 2008:

Countries in the region are emerging as key players on issues of global concern, and the Bank's role has been to support their efforts by partnering through innovative platforms for an enlightened dialogue and action on the ground, as well as by supporting SouthSouth cooperation."

The 2012 report does not refer to preventing hunger but rather to "food security."

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/15/upshot/at-the-world-bank-a-shortage-of-concrete-language.html?_r=0
Click to expand...
 
A teacher calls her first grade class from recess.

She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie.

Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie.

Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
 
LEXOPHILIA

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can
stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but
I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of terrible Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
 
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