JOTD

A dyslexic walks into a bra......

 

I was dyslexic and it's unkind to poke fun.






I'm KO now.

 

Fun trivia:

Julia Gillard's name in Chinese is Li Ying Kow.

 

Guido Fawkes a Anarchic hero :lol:

 

and when translated back to english again its Fraudulent Bovine, who would have ever guessed?

 

Old MacDonald was dyslexic, E O M B Q S

 

Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.

 

The Jewish Tie Salesman

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was
plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not
need such an over-priced western adornment.

I spit on your ties. I need water!"

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," "Okay" said the little old Jewish man,"It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...

Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...

"They won't let me in without a tie!!"

 

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.
After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"
"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."
So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.
After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there.
Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.
"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.

"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but when we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

 

Poker Player

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife's legs were wide apart, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit His head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John admitted that, well, indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral costs of this offer, John says that he is indeed interested.

She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2 PM Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time at 2 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed upon $500, they went to the bedroom and completed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 PM and upon entering the house, asks his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon? "With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

NOW THAT'S A POKER PLAYER!

 

Today's #1 JOTD....
http://forums.silverstackers.com/topic-40821-have-a-nice-watching.html

 

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ####?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

 

A very successful oilman dies. He faces Saint Peter, who says, "You've been a good man, and normally I'd send you to heaven, but heaven is full. We only have a place for you in hell."

The oilman asks, "Any chance I could talk to other oilmen who are in heaven? Maybe I can convince someone to switch places with me."
Saint Peter says, "It's never happened before, but sure, I don't see any harm in it."

The oilman goes to heaven, finds an oilmen convention, and yells, "They found a huge, cheap oil discovery in hell!" So oilmen are stampeding out of heaven straight to hell, and our oilman is running with them; he's leading the pack. Saint Peter shouts to him, "Why are you going to hell with them? I have a spot here in heaven for you now!"

The oilman shouts back, "Are you kidding, what if it's true?"

(from Outside The Box this week!)

 

http://projects.wsj.com/games/thefederator/?mg=inert-wsj

 

What do the letters A D stand for?



National Dyslexic Association.

 

Dad's joke alert
I don't know where i heard this one so apologies if it was on here...

What do you call three legged donkey?



A wonkey!

 

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment. It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating,

"I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet my Maker."

Apparently "Remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered an appropriate response.

 

I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nick-names they had for their wives.

The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman"

The Host asked him why that name?

He replied, "Absolutely no interest for 36 months."