JOTD

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

 

I seen the shirts pic yesterday and missed the ummm punch line......but now I see it

 

In my local hardware store on the paint counter -

"Please note...
NEW STORE POLICY
Husbands/boyfriends must have a signed letter of permission when buying or choosing paint colours
Thank You."

 

David Cameron, the Prime Minister of the UK, is visiting a Glasgow hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.

He greets one and the patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Cameron is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused he just grins and moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Cameron turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

 

~ BUNNINGS JOB APPLICATION ~

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Burleigh Heads. They hired him because he was so funny....

NAME:
Adam Landon Jones (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITON:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
$150,000 a year plus share options and a good redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITON HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PRFFERRPD HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here'?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
12 Kms

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After landing my new job as a Bunnings "Greeter" - a goodfind for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store with her two kids,yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to Bunnings."
I then said,"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little JOHNNY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little JOHNNY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little JOHNNY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

 

Why do these teachers always get sucked into calling on little Johnny to answer questions

 

Guy walks in to a dentists and sits down in the chair.

Dentist "what can I do for you today?"

Guy " I think I'm a moth"

Dentist " Mate, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist"

Guy " I know !!"

Dentist " Well why did you come in here then?"

Guy " the light was on ..."

 

In today's Canberra Times

 

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmvJZYWwOBA[/youtube]

Edit to add: The apology:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFDwgJa7JOI[/youtube]

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: only in Amerikaaaa! :|

 

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

 

You must have had to travel into the kitchen to have those words with her

 

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

 

Did you know KFC have just released the K-Rudd bucket, it's full of left wings and ass holes :lol: