Well Crew, I dropped in (literally) on Phil and Edna today, the proud parents of Blythe Masters, at their family home in Essex, England.
I thought it was about time someone told them what their darling 'Bess' has been up. Hopefully they will have more luck in bringing her to heel that the Securities Exchange Commission or the U.S. Supreme Court did.
(I've had a bit of trouble with the helmet camera due to a rougher-than-expected landing on their (surprisingly fragile) conservatory roof, but I've managed to transcribe most of the conversation below. Let's hope something good comes from it.)
Turk: "I'd like to thank you both for your time today and for these interesting rock scones Edna. They remind me very much of our own ship's biscuits."
Edna (warmly): "You're very welcome Mr Turn."
Turk: "Actually, it's 'Turk' ma'am. Well, as I said earlier, I've been asked by some of my crew to come here to speak with you both about your daughter, Blythe."
Edna: "Oh, how awfully nice! We do miss her you know."
Turk: "Well Edna, that just shows how surprising a mother's love can be! But tell me please do either of you have any idea about what your daughter has been up to over the past few years?"
Phil (proudly): "Oh, we certainly do Mr Truk! Young Bess is living in America now working as a chiropractor... I've heard she's doing extremely well too!"
Turk (confused!): "Sorry Phil! Did you say "Chiropractor"? Whatever gave you that idea?"
Phil: "Well, her friends are always going on about how much she manipulates them you see, so I thought she was..."
Edna (laughing): "Hark at him now will you! No Phil! You've got it all wrong! Actually Mr Trunk, Bess has a wonderful job in a place that makes children's toys. They pay her ever so much money! Apparently she makes some things called 'de-riveters', then everyone else uses the de-riveters and screwdrivers to work on the Muppets. Oh, and all the Muppets have to wear shorts! Doesn't it all sound wonderful?
Turk: "Well, it certainly does Edna... only that's not quite the full picture. Look, this is rather awkward and I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your Blythe has actually made a very interesting career decision and today she works as a Head Market Manipulator."
Phil: "You see Edna! I was right... although frankly that's a bit of a surprise Mr. Tork. I would have expected her to do it somewhere a bit more private. Markets are rather unpleasant places at the best of times, and it wouldn't be much fun having strangers gawk at you while she messes around with your head."
Turk: "No, you don't quite understand, Phil. Your Blythe isn't a chiropractor although she certainly does mess with people's heads. She manipulates Global Financial Markets in fact she's the Head of Commodities at the J. P. Morgan Chase Bank in New York, and she was recently caught developing financial weapons of mass destruction!"
Edna: "Oh no Mr Tark! You must be mistaken there. Our Blythe has always been terrified of things that go bang; there's no way she would make anything like that. She's not a terrorist!
Turk: "Well Edna, you're right about that. Blythe is not making bombs her creations are far more dangerous! You see, your daughter develops dangerous financial creations called Credit Derivatives, and by enhancing market liquidity her creations achieve the financial equivalent of a free lunch whereby both buyers and sellers of risk can benefit from the associated efficiency gains."
Edna: "How very interesting! Would you like a little more tea with your scones Mr Tank?"
Turk: "I most certainly would!! But I must ask you both another important question. Do you remember the 2008 Global Financial Collapse?"
Edna: "Oh yes! Things were quite hard back then. Phil here is a carpenter you see, and he had a couple of lads working for him, but we had to put them off. We were sorry to see them go - they were good lads."
Turk: "So that was the end of the Masters Apprentices?"
Edna: "Yes, it was a terrible time Mr Murk, in fact we've found things rather hard ever since."
Phil: "Aye, that's true enough Mr Kurt! We're having to burn the candle at both ends now just to make ends meet."
Edna: "...and prices keep going up, and the work keeps getting harder to find. I sold a few old rings and a silver candlestick last month but I didn't get very much for them. The young lady said I could have made a lot of money if I'd sold them last year! Oh well at least some prices are not going up."
Turk: "Well, Edna, you may find this difficult to believe but your daughter Blythe caused that disaster! In fact, her credit derivatives were responsible for triggering the entire 2008 global financial crisis!"
Edna: "What!? Our Bess started that!?"
Phil: "I thought it was caused by the fluttering of a butterfly's wings in the Amazon jungle!"
Turk: "Well, in this case the butterfly was Blythe, and she usually flutters around New York City, but otherwise you are exactly right Phil or at least, more right than Paul Krugman on any given day."
"But listen! Let me tell you what else Blythe has been up to in recent months."
Phil: "We'd like to hear that Mr Kirk. Young Blythe will be visiting us in a few weeks so we might have a few choice words with her if she's been up to any mischief over there."
Turk: "Well, first of all she's not a massager she's a very naughty girl. Your Blythe has been suppressing the global prices of silver and gold for several years now, and frankly, it's been causing havoc on our pirate ship."
Phil: "Oh dear! I'm so sorry to hear that Mr Burk!"
Turk: "We carry quite a lot of silver down in the hold of the ship you see, for ballast purposes mainly, but we also have a 72,390 kilogram golden anchor up near the forward breakwater. So overall you might call us all precious metal bull pirates. (Oh, and some of the lasses have some Pandora bits and whatnot but we don't generally count them as a rule.) And as you might expect, we pirates get very happy when the price of silver goes up but some of the newer crewmembers in particular break out in scurvy and shingles whenever the price goes down!"
Edna: "Oh, the poor dears!"
Turk: "Now we really don't mind Blythe having a bit of fun now and then you know - making the price wobble up and down a bit or side to side just for fun. We do the same things with our plank whenever we send someone down to Davey Jone's locker, and it's all good fun, and everyone has a laugh, and later the lime and coconut juice flows like water."
"But lately your Blythe has become a bit precious about 'her' silver price, and simply won't let it go over $37 an ounce for anything so we're all getting just a bit tired of playing the SAME game every single month over and over again. Even Mr Retarded Monkey now struggles to explain the recent chart actions."
Edna (Clearly aghast!): "Oh my goodness! How positively awful!"
Turk: "So I came here today on behalf of the crew to see if you could possibly have a chat with Blythe and you know tell her to knock it off a bit."
Edna: "Oh, this is terrible news Mr Jurk. Words fail me! We had such high hopes for Blythe! I can't believe it has come to this our own child working in... in... in banking!! And poor Mr Retarded Monkey going full retard! Oh this really is too terrible for words! Why couldn't she have turned out to be a cut-throat, bloodthirsty, ne'er-do-well pirate like your good self Mr Tunk?"
Turk: "Well Edna, it's often hard to know why bad things happen to good parents. Perhaps my own parents were just particularly lucky in that area. But you needn't give up hope - I'm sure if you scoured the whole world there would be two or even three bankers who turned out alright in the end. Come to think of it... have you ever watched Mary Poppins?"
Edna (Sobbing bitterly now!): "Oh Phil! Phil! Where did we go wrong?"
Turk (trying to be helpful): "Look, maybe you could tell her to focus on Apple for a while. It's over-bought at $606 per share, and with her talents she could probably flash-crash it to $47 dollars in a few weeks and wipe out a few hedge funds along the way! The crew and I would find it vastly entertaining to watch the 'Wall Street Journal' try to explain that! Or perhaps she'd like to hammer the price of rare earths for a year or so and trigger a trade war with China! There are so many excellent possibilities!"
Phil (resolutely): "I must thank you for coming to bring us this news today Mr Turk. I'm sure it can't have been easy for you to talk about our Blythe in this way today."
Turk: "No, but that's alright Phil... I've got a very strong non-minty mouthwash back in the cabin."
Phil (turning to Edna): "I think our Bess might benefit from a trip to the woodshed when she arrives here next month. It's been a long time, and sometimes painful lessons can be forgotten over the years..."
Turk: "Do you have any two-by-fours?"
Edna (looking grim): "It might even be time for me to take her for a short walk Phil."
Turk (delighted!): "You have a plank too!? This is working out far better than I dared to hope!"
Edna: "We're very much obliged to you for all this information Mr Talc. Perhaps you would like to take this little tin of Twinings Gunpowder Tea back to your fine crew. It's the least we can do for them after all they've been through, the poor dears."
Turk: "Thank you Edna! We just hope you can 'persuade' your wayward daughter to give it a break so we can all put this unhappy period behind us."
Phil (grim): "Don't worry about that Mr Turk. I'm getting on the phone right away to have a chat with young Bess. Let's see, it's 10:00pm here, so that should make it about 3am in New York..."
Turk (delighted at the turn of events!): "Exquisite timing!"
Phil on the phone (loudly): "Hello? Blythe? Yes, I know what time it is... No, there are a few things we need to 'touch base' about... No, it can't really wait until the morning young lady I'm not the SEC you know!"
Turk (turning to Edna): "Well, my job here seems to be done Edna. I might step outside and launch myself back to our ship now. Thank you again for those unique scones."
Edna (beaming): "You're very welcome Mr Turn. My Phil always says no food is better than my scones"
Turk: "Well, yes, it probably is. Now ma'am, if you will just stand well clear of the turbine exhausts I'm about to fire up this thing and I'll be off."
Phil (loudly, still on phone): "No, don't you try manipulating my head now Miss High and Mighty Banker! Oh no, don't start that "Oh Daddy!" stuff with me. The Dread Captain Turk from the "S.S SilverStacker" is just taking off outside; he happened to drop in today and has been telling us all about your very interesting career decision...
What's that? No, it's "Turk" T. U.R. K. No, I don't think it's 'Ferguson'... Hang on a tick, I'll ask him..."
The remainder of the conversation was thankfully drowned out as the auto-ignition sequence kicked in and my four 72,000 r.p.m. jet engines simultaneously roared to life and soon were accelerating me into the starry night sky for the long flight home.
(After several hours of flying... some random thoughts...)
I'm rather looking forward to trying another cup of Edna's delicious Gunpowder Tea when I get back... mouth is quite dry still.
That tea stuff even looks like gunpowder! How do they do that?
I think I might start putting a little saucer under my rum mug like Edna did. Nothing in the rules against that, I think.
I wonder if the stuff comes in pot-strength bags...
SPOT: of tea? Yes, please!
(Several hours later still many miles to go...)
Actually I'm not too keen on those 'rock scones' more 'rock' than 'scone' if you ask me.
Might work OK as ballast, if you made enough of them. (Should've asked for the recipe.)
Probably just flour, milk, raisins and concrete.
Jaffa Cakes are way better imho. Wouldn't mind a few now in fact.
"I wandered lonely as a cloud..."
Nope, it's just my own contrails...
Ho Hum... I do hope Errol43 has remembered to turn on the main landing lights and lower the main sails. Things might get a bit awkward if he forgets...
Not long now... W o o o o o s h . . . .
