whinfell said:
I've been working on a 3 phase to Lpg converter , do you want one when I finish it ?
JOTD
- Thread starter DanielM
- Start date
- Status
I've been working on a 3 phase to Lpg converter , do you want one when I finish it ?
Fishing in the rain
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
The $50 Lesson
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in my front garden,
my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.
Both of her parents, Labour Party members, were standing there, so I asked her,
"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said.
"But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.
"What do you mean?" she asked. So I told her,
"You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull out the weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50.
Then you can go over to the shop, where the homeless guy hangs out,
and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the 50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."
Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in my front garden,
my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.
Both of her parents, Labour Party members, were standing there, so I asked her,
"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said.
"But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.
"What do you mean?" she asked. So I told her,
"You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull out the weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50.
Then you can go over to the shop, where the homeless guy hangs out,
and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the 50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."
Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
H
House
Guest
I rear-ended a car this morning. I knew it was going to be a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car and I looked down and realized he was a dwarf.
He looked up at me and said "I'M NOT HAPPY!"
So I said, "Well then, which one are you?"
The driver got out of the other car and I looked down and realized he was a dwarf.
He looked up at me and said "I'M NOT HAPPY!"
So I said, "Well then, which one are you?"
Top 10 funniest jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe:
Tim Vine's one-liner wins top prize
I decided to sell my Hoover ... well it was just collecting dust.
Tim Vine
Top 10:
1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s" - Bec Hill
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro
=8. "I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own a***hole" - Kevin Day
=8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook
10. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward
Tim Vine's one-liner wins top prize
I decided to sell my Hoover ... well it was just collecting dust.
Tim Vine
Top 10:
1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s" - Bec Hill
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro
=8. "I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own a***hole" - Kevin Day
=8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook
10. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward
H
House
Guest
Men Have Jumped on the #makeuptransformation trend
Make-up transformation pictures of girls showing how contouring your face with make-up can dramatically change how you look have been around for years but here's a few photos of men who have taken up the challenge;
And by far the funniest one :lol:
Make-up transformation pictures of girls showing how contouring your face with make-up can dramatically change how you look have been around for years but here's a few photos of men who have taken up the challenge;
And by far the funniest one :lol:
^^^ Dang!!! Wid all dat fancy cypherin'...these dude's should be settin' the spot price for silver...
Mathematics
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% inlife?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far asskissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullSh!t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% inlife?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far asskissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullSh!t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
Six Truths of Life - The untested Theory
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time; it's a physical impossibility.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time; it's a physical impossibility.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.
RIP Larry LaPrise
In Memorium
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed when it happened.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
In Memorium
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed when it happened.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
- Status