JOTD
- Thread starter DanielM
- Start date
- Status
What's the difference between a park bench and an entitleist*?
the park bench can support a whole family.
*insert favourite minority/welfare group
the park bench can support a whole family.
*insert favourite minority/welfare group
^^^ All I can say is, OMGGG :|
H
House
Guest
Good quote for the upcoming weekend
H
House
Guest
Such a poignant video...
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xljA6zJn4I[/youtube]
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xljA6zJn4I[/youtube]
^^^^^^
Too close to home. I thought I was looking in a mirror.
Too close to home. I thought I was looking in a mirror.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
Subject: FW: Church Ladies with Computers
They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church
ladies with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS)
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your
husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who
doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.
S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church
ladies with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS)
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your
husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who
doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.
S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
USING "F" WORD
Ten times when using the "f" word was probably acceptable:
10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,
1992,1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000,2001
And ..
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#$%ing mad." Osama Bin Laden,
2001
Ten times when using the "f" word was probably acceptable:
10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,
1992,1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000,2001
And ..
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#$%ing mad." Osama Bin Laden,
2001
It`s Been So Hot.....
-
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
-
The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is
to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
-
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
hard-boiled eggs.
-
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
-
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
-
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
-
You can say 113 degrees without fainting. - You eat hot chilies to cool
your mouth off.
-
You can make instant sun tea.
-
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
-
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
-
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
-
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
-
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.
-
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
-
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is
out on the streets.
-
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
-
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
-
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having
air
conditioning.
-
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
-
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state!
-
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
-
The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is
to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
-
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
hard-boiled eggs.
-
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
-
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
-
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
-
You can say 113 degrees without fainting. - You eat hot chilies to cool
your mouth off.
-
You can make instant sun tea.
-
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
-
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
-
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
-
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
-
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.
-
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
-
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is
out on the streets.
-
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
-
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
-
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having
air
conditioning.
-
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
-
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state!
A greens voter politician pushes her
BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After
he works on it a few minutes, it's
idling smoothly again. She
says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She says,
"How often do I have to do
that?"
BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After
he works on it a few minutes, it's
idling smoothly again. She
says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She says,
"How often do I have to do
that?"
- Status