JOTD

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A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 
sconejon said:
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Just like this bloke, I didn't see that coming
 
The Irishman and the Mercedes

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station
In a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows
Nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who
The golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?"? Inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!".
 
Say the following to a wealthy person and watch the blank/confused/slightly offended look on their face, it's classic.

"Your money is fungible but you are not"
 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
 
A man wakes up in the middle of the night to discover that he wife is not breathing. He grabs the phone, calls 911, and explains the problem to the dispatcher."What's your address?" she asks."714 Eucalyptus Street," he replies.Can you spell that," she inquires.After a pause, the man says, "How about I take her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there?"
 
hihosilver said:
wrcmad said:
AMERICA'S aviation safety body has been severely embarrassed by the TV broadcast of racist fake names of the four pilots aboard crashed Asiana Airlines flight 214.

The National Transportation Safety Board apologised after a volunteer intern issued the "inaccurate and offensive names" to KTVU Channel 2, a Fox affiliate in Oakland, California, which then aired the wrong information.

Source: http://www.news.com.au/world-news/crash-pilots-slurred-by-racist-prank/story-fndir2ev-1226678943540
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[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmvJZYWwOBA[/youtube]

Edit to add: The apology:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFDwgJa7JOI[/youtube]
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:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: only in Amerikaaaa! :|
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OMG :O :O :O :O :O

:D :D :D :D :D
 
TrrWm.jpg
 
The next time you are ordering at a restaurant with a serious face order a diet water. I did it one time a the kid taking my order had to find a manager to help him figure out what the hell I was talking about. It might not sound funny it was one of those 'you just had to be there' moments. Try it and see what happens.
 
KFC have brought out a new Labor Party Snack box to follow up on the popular Juliar Gillard box. The new Kevin Rudd box has two left wings and an arsehole. :D
 
Late on a Friday afternoon this huge storm hits a cemetary in Ireland. After it had past the cemetary attendant, Paddy has a wander around and notices the gravestone on Mick's grave was leaning over at a precarious angle.

"Oh that's no good," says Paddy, "We can't have that gravestone falling over." But as it was nearly knock-off time, Paddy didn't have time to fix it properly so he tied one end of a bit of fencing wire to the gravestone and the other end to a tree, "There, that'll do" he says, "I'll it fix proper on Monday."

Later that night Seamus and his mate were returning home from the pub with a belly full of guinness and took a shortcut through the cemetery.

As they stumbled past Mick's grave Seamus pointed and said, "Will you look at that? Old Mick's doin well fer himself, he's got the telephone put on."
 
The Irish air disaster? A 2 seater Cessna recently crashed into a graveyard. So far they have recovered 200 bodies.
 
Just Like Mommy

A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up.

"I'm going to look just like you mommy!" she announced.

"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.

"No mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."
 
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