JOTD
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*BREAKING NEWS* (must read the whole thing)
THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE LIFTING RESTRICTIONS IN PARKS AND BEACHES AND VISITING FRIENDS DURING THE EASTER BREAK.
The Government has announced today that, for the Easter break, certain groups are allowed to go to parks and Beaches and invite friends round for BBQ’s.
IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ
While the majority of the population will remain in lockdown the following groups will be allowed to gather together at parks, beaches and visit each other’s houses.
Selfish pricks
As*holes
Sh#t heads
Imbeciles
Half wits
Morons
Troglodytes
Ignoramus’
Simpletons
Fu#kwits
Stupid fu#kers
Idiots
Di#kheads
Twats
Covidiots
Anyone not in those groups must follow the guidelines set out by the Governments regarding social distancing.
THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE LIFTING RESTRICTIONS IN PARKS AND BEACHES AND VISITING FRIENDS DURING THE EASTER BREAK.
The Government has announced today that, for the Easter break, certain groups are allowed to go to parks and Beaches and invite friends round for BBQ’s.
IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ
While the majority of the population will remain in lockdown the following groups will be allowed to gather together at parks, beaches and visit each other’s houses.
Selfish pricks
As*holes
Sh#t heads
Imbeciles
Half wits
Morons
Troglodytes
Ignoramus’
Simpletons
Fu#kwits
Stupid fu#kers
Idiots
Di#kheads
Twats
Covidiots
Anyone not in those groups must follow the guidelines set out by the Governments regarding social distancing.
Once again, the Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
-Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
-Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
-Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
-Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
-Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
- Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these Really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
- Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
- Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
- Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole. << I know who you are thinking of!!
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
-Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
-Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
-Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
-Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
-Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
- Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these Really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
- Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
- Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
- Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole. << I know who you are thinking of!!
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex- life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...
Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch less panties..?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank Christ for that ! - I thought you were sitting on the cat.. ! "
Poor bastard never even heard the gunshot.
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