JOTD

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"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying." Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me! Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.” I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money. Of course I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too. I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies, not because of a stupid single-ply toilet paper from Walmart!
 
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  • Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
  • I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
  • I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
  • Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
  • PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
  • Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
  • I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
  • This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
  • So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
  • Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
  • My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
  • Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
  • I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
  • I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
  • Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitiser for good clean fun.
  • Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
  • Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under
 
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