JOTD
- Thread starter DanielM
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I called the tinnitus help line but it just kept ringing.
Simple test for men.
A simplified urine test that may be relevant for us!!??
Go outside and pee in the garden.
If ants gather:- diabetes.
If you pee on your feet:- prostate.
If it smells like a barbecue:- cholesterol.
If when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- osteoarthritis.
If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants:- Alzheimers
A simplified urine test that may be relevant for us!!??
Go outside and pee in the garden.
If ants gather:- diabetes.
If you pee on your feet:- prostate.
If it smells like a barbecue:- cholesterol.
If when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- osteoarthritis.
If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants:- Alzheimers
Friends of my age will attest to the validity of this.
Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you're 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift...
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 18 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having money
At age 70 success is having sex.
At age 80 success is having a drivers license.
At age 85 success is having friends.
At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants.
It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.
Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you're 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift...
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 18 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having money
At age 70 success is having sex.
At age 80 success is having a drivers license.
At age 85 success is having friends.
At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants.
It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.
I'll pay that.
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
“Hallo, Mr. Macron, " a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” Macron replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Macron paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Macron asks.
“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Macron sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”
“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Macron, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”
Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since
we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Macron, I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”
“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Macron. Why the sudden change of heart?
“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
“Hallo, Mr. Macron, " a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” Macron replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Macron paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Macron asks.
“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Macron sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”
“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Macron, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”
Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since
we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Macron, I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”
“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Macron. Why the sudden change of heart?
“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a Rabbit in Scotland
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a Rabbit in Scotland
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