For those Aussie old enough to remember, looks like Alan Seale has been reincarnated as a swan.
JOTD
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For those Aussie old enough to remember, looks like Alan Seale has been reincarnated as a swan.
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
The Blonde And The Beer...
A blonde orders a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time she calls for another beer this happens.
So after the third beer a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady........ Why did you let the bartender do it?'
"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'
A blonde orders a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time she calls for another beer this happens.
So after the third beer a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady........ Why did you let the bartender do it?'
"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'
A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Look, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea’ she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f"cking blanket.'
The End.
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Look, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea’ she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f"cking blanket.'
The End.
One of my friends had strobe lights installed in his bedroom.
He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she’s moving!
He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she’s moving!
A man meets his friend who has started wearing ear rings.
He asks "Since when did u start wearing earrings?"
Friend "ever since my wife found them in my car!
He asks "Since when did u start wearing earrings?"
Friend "ever since my wife found them in my car!
ParanoidAndroid
Well-Known Member
Old Henry needed to head out one morning to get some milk for his and Gertrudes morning coffee. While driving down the freeway his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice frantically warning him, "Henry, I just heard on the news that there's a maniac on the freeway. He's driving down the wrong lane straight into oncoming traffic. Please be careful!"
Herman replied, "No need to tell me me that Gertrude. There're more than just one maniac. There are hundreds of them!
Herman replied, "No need to tell me me that Gertrude. There're more than just one maniac. There are hundreds of them!
the bear did it !!
I lived in Mildura for a time. This is close.
DIARY OF A POM IN MILDURA
August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Mildura, Victoria, Australia.
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.
September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!
September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !
October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.
October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskas and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25
This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fucking Melbourne .....The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fucking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
Fucking thief.
November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to fucking throttle him.
Fucking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat.
Fucking place is the end of the Earth.
November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my fucking arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fucking arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny.
It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Fuck!
November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool.
The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!
November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fucking Mildura!!
What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!
December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are fucking kidding me!
DIARY OF A POM IN MILDURA
August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Mildura, Victoria, Australia.
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.
September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!
September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !
October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.
October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskas and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25
This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fucking Melbourne .....The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fucking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
Fucking thief.
November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to fucking throttle him.
Fucking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat.
Fucking place is the end of the Earth.
November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my fucking arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fucking arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny.
It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Fuck!
November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool.
The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!
November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fucking Mildura!!
What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!
December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are fucking kidding me!
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