JOTD
- Thread starter DanielM
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Ever since Robert was a child, he had a fear of someone hiding under his bed at night.
So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him "I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed
I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psychiatrist.
"Come, talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
'$200 per visit,' replied
the doctor.
'I'll think about it and if i need to I will come back to you,'
Robert said.
Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, $200 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A friend of mine cured me for the price of steak and a bottle of beer
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new SUV".
'Is that so!'
How, may I ask, did the friend cure you?'
He told me to
"Sell the bed and sleep on the Mattress on the floor."
So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him "I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed
I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psychiatrist.
"Come, talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
'$200 per visit,' replied
the doctor.
'I'll think about it and if i need to I will come back to you,'
Robert said.
Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, $200 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A friend of mine cured me for the price of steak and a bottle of beer
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new SUV".
'Is that so!'
How, may I ask, did the friend cure you?'
He told me to
"Sell the bed and sleep on the Mattress on the floor."
TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES
Boy, if this doesn’t hit the nail on the head, I don’t know what does!!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!!
Boy, if this doesn’t hit the nail on the head, I don’t know what does!!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!!
What did the Mexican fireman call his twin sons?
José and Josb.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2.....
José and Josb.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2.....
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A rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed by the sight he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man: "Why are you eating grass?"
The poor man replied: "We don't have any money for food. We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the rich man said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us too".
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and nine children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the rich man answered. They all entered the car, almost didn't fit even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor men turned to the rich guy and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
He replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
The poor man replied: "We don't have any money for food. We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the rich man said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us too".
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and nine children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the rich man answered. They all entered the car, almost didn't fit even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor men turned to the rich guy and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
He replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
Bush, Obama and Trump go to a job interview with God…
God asks Bush: “What do you believe in?” Bush answers: “I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!” “Very well”, says God. “Come sit to my right.”
Next, God asks Obama: “What do you believe in?” Obama answers: “I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all.” “Good”, says God. “You shall sit to my left.”
Finally, God asks Trump: “What do you believe?”
Trump answers: “I believe you’re sitting in my chair
God asks Bush: “What do you believe in?” Bush answers: “I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!” “Very well”, says God. “Come sit to my right.”
Next, God asks Obama: “What do you believe in?” Obama answers: “I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all.” “Good”, says God. “You shall sit to my left.”
Finally, God asks Trump: “What do you believe?”
Trump answers: “I believe you’re sitting in my chair
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
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