JOTD
- Thread starter DanielM
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PUNS:-
*• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!*
*• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it, of-course.*
*• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.*
*• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist*
*• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.*
*• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.*
*• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.*
*• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.*
*• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.*
*• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.*
*• When chemists die, they barium.*
*• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.*
*• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.*
*• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.*
*• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.*
*• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?*
*• When you get a bladder infection, urine troubles.*
*• Broken pencils are pointless.*
*• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.*
*• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.*
*• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.*
*• Velcro - what a rip off!*
*• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.*
*• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!*
*• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it, of-course.*
*• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.*
*• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist*
*• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.*
*• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.*
*• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.*
*• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.*
*• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.*
*• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.*
*• When chemists die, they barium.*
*• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.*
*• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.*
*• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.*
*• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.*
*• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?*
*• When you get a bladder infection, urine troubles.*
*• Broken pencils are pointless.*
*• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.*
*• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.*
*• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.*
*• Velcro - what a rip off!*
*• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.*
Arch Stanton
Well-Known Member
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town." "Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard?
Is he here?" "No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that.
I know he charges $5 for the bull and $2 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town." "Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard?
Is he here?" "No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that.
I know he charges $5 for the bull and $2 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
An Irishman by the name of O’Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day.
He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller.
He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honour of St. Patrick's day," he smiled. "I gave you a Sham Rock."
He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller.
He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honour of St. Patrick's day," he smiled. "I gave you a Sham Rock."
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall!"
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall!"
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