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Farmers Birth Control

There were three girls who were getting married and they all met at themarriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. They were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method” “That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if you keep a good record.”

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don 't forget to take them”.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.

Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”'

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”

He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method.

Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked so well for you.”

She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.

Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers.... I kick the bucket out from under him”.
 
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big buy today
 
A penguin is driving his car in the desert. All of sudden his car breaks down. Luckily, he's pretty close to gas station. So he waddles behind his car and pushes it to the gas station. He asks the mechanic to take a look and find the problem. Mechanic tells him to come back in 30 minutes. So the penguin is getting hot being in the desert and all, and decides to find something to cool him off. He goes in the convenience store and buys some vanilla ice cream. Finally he goes back to the mechanic to find out the problem. Mechanic says," Looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replies, "No, no. This time It's just a little ice cream."
 
Wonderfully described definitions.......
1. CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper with fire at one end
and a victim at the other!
2. MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein
a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master
3. LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either
4. CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present
5. COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece
6. TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power !
7. CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on
8. CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read
9. SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight !
10. OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life
11. ETC:
A sign
to make others believe
that you know
more than
you actually do
12. COMMITTEE:
Individuals
who can do
nothing individually
and sit to decide
that nothing can be done
together
13. EXPERIENCE:
The name
men give
to their
Mistakes
14. ATOM BOMB:
An invention
to bring an end
to all
inventions
15. DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip
16. OPPORTUNIST:
A person
who starts taking bath
if he
accidentally falls
into a river
17. MISER:
A person
who lives poor
so that
he can die RICH!
18. FATHER:
A banker
provided by
nature
19. CRIMINAL:
A guy
no different
from the other,
unless he gets caught
20. BOSS:
Someone
who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early
21. POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before elections
and your Confidence
Later
22. DOCTOR:
A person
who kills
your ills
by pills,
and kills you
by his bills!
 
Tarzan and Jane were sitting in their tree house when Jane requested,

"Go out and hunt us up something for dinner."

Awhile later Tarzan returned carrying a bird and two monkeys.

"Oh, no!" Jane wailed. "Not finch and chimps again!"
 
Here's one for Sky :p

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An image shared the page of Facebook group Fedrelandet viktigst (Fatherland first) sparked angry online debate among its members after it appeared to show the seats occupied by women wearing body-covering robes and full-face veil.

The photo captioned “What do people think of this?” was posted as a prank, but prompted more than 100 alarmed comments on the members-only page.

“It looks really scary, should be banned. You can never know who is under there. Could be terrorists with weapons,” one user wrote, according to a translation from Norwegian English language site the Local. Others described it as “frightening” and “tragic.”

“Get them out of our country, those who look like collapsed umbrellas. Frightening times we are living in,” another member posted.

“I thought it would be like this in the year 2050, but it is happening NOW!!!!” another added.

The responses from the closed group went viral after Facebook user Sindre Beyer posted screenshots of the reactions.
Click to expand...
 
Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to.
St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them.

"You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning" says St. Peter.
Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another chance at life.

"Well..." says St. Peter, thumbing through his saintly handbook, "There is a little known rule which might help. Apparently you can be reincarnated in special circumstances if you wish, but only as a dog or as a chicken I'm afraid.."
Dave, living next door to a chicken farm, agrees to be reincarnated as a chicken, at least so he can still see his wife.

BOOM, the man is suddenly now a chicken, pecking around the chicken farm. A rooster approaches him and says "Hey! You must be the new arrival here! How's everything going?" "Pretty good" says Dave, "though my stomach feels a bit funny.." "Well you're obviously about to lay an egg! Give it a try; push one out!" So Dave wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and out pops a nice egg!
"That felt great!" thinks Dave, "I think I'll lay another one!" So again he wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and then !!BANG!! His wife angrily slaps him on the back of his head and screams in a rage:
"For Christ's sake David!! You've shit the bed again!!!"
 
Not a joke as such, but the most fkn funny thing I've seen this week.
My mate's young son was asked to draw of picture of when he was a new born.
No, that is not a penis... for the full experience, take a closer look. :D


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Men's Pearls of Wisdom

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big penis or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

18. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time.
 
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,

"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
 
The Saxenas were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Saxena kissed his wife goodbye and said,!

'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Saxena cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Bob and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My God, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Saxena.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Saxena quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my Gosh!' Mrs. Saxena exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Saxena.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Saxena, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And! for more than three hours, too.”

“The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Saxena leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Saxena fainted ! ! !
 
George went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?' asked

"Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor

"But I need it really bad,' said George

"Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

George answered,
"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday;
my ex-wife will be here on Saturday;
and my wife is coming home on Sunday.

Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any bad side effects."

On Monday, George dragged himself in to the doctor's office, his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?

George said, "No one showed up."
 
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