JOTD
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Phyllis Diller isms
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up
is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football
is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,
a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years
telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties . . .
is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing . . .
was the day I accidentally poured gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they look just like me.
-Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle:
Keep Away From Children.
-Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'
He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down . . .
is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up
is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football
is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,
a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years
telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties . . .
is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing . . .
was the day I accidentally poured gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they look just like me.
-Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle:
Keep Away From Children.
-Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'
He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down . . .
is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller
H
House
Guest
Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere.
"What are you doing!" asks Bob.
Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."
"What are you doing!" asks Bob.
Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys,tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.
The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.
He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was rather p****d off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.
All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.
Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.
With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.
He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"
"No problem", said Joe "I'm an extractor fan"
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.
The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.
He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was rather p****d off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.
All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.
Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.
With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.
He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"
"No problem", said Joe "I'm an extractor fan"
Bacon anyone?! Hope this gives someone a good laugh today 
Q: What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?
A; One has hydraulics and the other high bollocks!
A; One has hydraulics and the other high bollocks!
BEST QUOTE OF ANY ERA!
"The Budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled,
public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be
tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be
curtailed, lest Rome will become bankrupt. People must again learn to work
instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero, 55 BC
So, evidently we've learned bugger all over the past 2,070 years.
"The Budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled,
public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be
tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be
curtailed, lest Rome will become bankrupt. People must again learn to work
instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero, 55 BC
So, evidently we've learned bugger all over the past 2,070 years.
Wiowi said:
Source is actually from a fiction novel called, "A Pillar of Iron" by Taylor Caldwell, in which a fictional Cicero is spoken of by the narrator of the novel, to have had such beliefs.
https://ablestmage.wordpress.com/20...c-authentic-no-and-heres-why-with-references/
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb green voter jokes. Suddenly, a greens voter in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid greens jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype greens that way? What does the political affiliations have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep greens like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all greens are dumb!
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the greens voter interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the greens voter interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
proof reading is a dying art:-
Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE
ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS
WILL BE TAKEN.
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T
KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE
FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL
YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON
THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife
And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to
Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for
Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for
Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
********************************************************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
**********************************************************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
***********************************************************************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE
ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS
WILL BE TAKEN.
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T
KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE
FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL
YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON
THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife
And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to
Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for
Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for
Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
********************************************************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
**********************************************************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
***********************************************************************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
- Status