JOTD
- Thread starter DanielM
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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
When Charles De Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame De Gaulle:
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame De Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles De Gaulle leaned over to his wife and said: "Ma cherie, I believe zat ze English pronounce zat word 'appiness!"
When Jean Harlow attended a party given by Dame Magot Asquith, the movie star presumptuously referred to the hostess by her first name, and she mispronounced it as “Margott”, i.e., she pronounced a “t” at the end of the name.
"So pleased to meetcha Margott."
Dame Margot responded.
"No, no, Jean. The ‘t’ is silent, as in Harlow."
"So pleased to meetcha Margott."
Dame Margot responded.
"No, no, Jean. The ‘t’ is silent, as in Harlow."
I am not sure what the rules are on JOTD are, so if I have gone to far with this one then please let me know.
The Vegas Hooker
> >>> A bloke is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.
> >>>
> >>> He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do you charge?"
> >>>
> >>> The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
> >>>
> >>> The bloke says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
> >>>
> >>> The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"
> >>>
> >>> "Yes."
> >>>
> >>> "Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
> >>>
> >>> "Yes."
> >>>
> >>> "And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
> >>>
> >>> "Yes."
> >>>
> >>> "Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
> >>>
> >>> So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
> >>>
> >>> They go to a nearby motel.
> >>>
> >>> A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced
> >>>
> >>> the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
> >>>
> >>> He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."
> >>>
> >>> The hooker says, "No, $1500."
> >>>
> >>> "I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
> >>>
> >>> The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street?
> >>>
> >>> Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
> >>>
> >>> The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car
> >>>
> >>> for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
> >>>
> >>> Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before.
> >>>
> >>> He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
> >>>
> >>> Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"
> >>>
> >>> The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us?
> >>>
> >>> All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
> >>>
> >>> "Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"
> >>>
> >>> The hooker says, "No. But I would . . . if I had a pussy!"
The Vegas Hooker
> >>> A bloke is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.
> >>>
> >>> He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do you charge?"
> >>>
> >>> The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
> >>>
> >>> The bloke says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
> >>>
> >>> The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"
> >>>
> >>> "Yes."
> >>>
> >>> "Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
> >>>
> >>> "Yes."
> >>>
> >>> "And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
> >>>
> >>> "Yes."
> >>>
> >>> "Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
> >>>
> >>> So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
> >>>
> >>> They go to a nearby motel.
> >>>
> >>> A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced
> >>>
> >>> the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
> >>>
> >>> He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."
> >>>
> >>> The hooker says, "No, $1500."
> >>>
> >>> "I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
> >>>
> >>> The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street?
> >>>
> >>> Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
> >>>
> >>> The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car
> >>>
> >>> for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
> >>>
> >>> Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before.
> >>>
> >>> He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
> >>>
> >>> Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"
> >>>
> >>> The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us?
> >>>
> >>> All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
> >>>
> >>> "Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"
> >>>
> >>> The hooker says, "No. But I would . . . if I had a pussy!"
A new Priest arrives in town and settling in, goes for a walk in the local town to visit the Mother Superior at the local Abbey on the hill and pay his respects.
Following his map he travels down one street and from a doorway a young lady steps into the light and says "Fancy a quickie Father? Fifty bucks."
Somewhat taken aback he mumbles "Good evening" and continues on his way.
A short way down the street the same thing happens again. Lady from the shadows. "Fancy a quickie Father? Fifty bucks", and so on down the street.
Finally he arrives at the Abbey and is welcomed in and sits down to tea with the Mother Superior.
"How was your first view of town" she asks.
"Oh very scenic" he replies, "but I must ask a question Mother Superior. What is a quickie?"
Mother Superior put down her cup and smiled.
"Fifty bucks. Same as in town."
Following his map he travels down one street and from a doorway a young lady steps into the light and says "Fancy a quickie Father? Fifty bucks."
Somewhat taken aback he mumbles "Good evening" and continues on his way.
A short way down the street the same thing happens again. Lady from the shadows. "Fancy a quickie Father? Fifty bucks", and so on down the street.
Finally he arrives at the Abbey and is welcomed in and sits down to tea with the Mother Superior.
"How was your first view of town" she asks.
"Oh very scenic" he replies, "but I must ask a question Mother Superior. What is a quickie?"
Mother Superior put down her cup and smiled.
"Fifty bucks. Same as in town."
The Perfect Answer!!
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," screamed my wife. "I'm really disappointed."
"You can hardly blame me," I answered. "It's not like I was getting any from you.”
"Well that's your fault," she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it”
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," screamed my wife. "I'm really disappointed."
"You can hardly blame me," I answered. "It's not like I was getting any from you.”
"Well that's your fault," she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it”
Arch Stanton
Well-Known Member
"Hi, Couldn't help but notice the book you're reading".
" Yes, it's about finding sexual satisfaction. It's interesting. Did you know that, statistically, American Indian and
Polish men are the best lovers? By the way,my name is Jill." What's your name?"
"Running Deer Kowalski. Nice to meet you".
" Yes, it's about finding sexual satisfaction. It's interesting. Did you know that, statistically, American Indian and
Polish men are the best lovers? By the way,my name is Jill." What's your name?"
"Running Deer Kowalski. Nice to meet you".
Saturday morning the weather was too bad to play golf.
I was bored with nothing to do.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
So I said, "Come in and sit down."
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Buggered if I know. Nobody's ever let me in before."
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