JOTD

Heavenly rites


Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning

It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the fresh beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station and the conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead on me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads over to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognising the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,

"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line, for only just a moment

Father O'Malley then replied:

"Aye,'tis certainly true that being the case, Sergeant Jones; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call..."

 

The boy from Waikato .


A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket & asked for half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room,the boy said to the manager: "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence,he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added: " and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal & the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy: "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"Waikato in New Zealand,sir." the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?"the manager asked.

The boy said: "Well sir, there's nothing but prostitutes & rugby players in New Zealand."

"Is that right?"replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, " Who'd she play for?"

 

Paddy had arranged to meet Sean at the pub at 12, but as he arrived 5 minutes late at the front door there was a tremendous explosion. He went in and looked amongst the wreakage and gore,
and picking up a head, stagged outside with tears in his eyes.
There was O'Conner, who asked what happened.
Paddy said that he was to meet Sean here at 12 and there had been an explosion .
Holding the head he said"Is this Sean?"
No, said Occonner
But I've known Sean a lot longer than you.
How can you be sure?said paddy.
Don't worry said O'Conner,
Sean was a much taller man than that.

 

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his Glenfiddich Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,.................."Had him circumcised."

 

Skip to 1m0s if you get bored with his solo rave

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofiBQSBqqJY[/youtube]


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHU_Kyg4zS8[/youtube]

 

An oldie but nevermind:

Policies of a Labor government: It it moves, tax it. If it stops moving, subsidise it.

 

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge accident on the freeway.

You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but unfortunately, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "I understand that you have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide if you want the procedure, how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
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"We're getting a new kitchen."

 

God made every person different

He got tired by the time he got to China

 

Your face and my body is what did him in (although he was weakened by the unique smell he managed to get to emanate from spannermonkey).

 

virus free internet dial up connection

 

ever wonder where those milk spots came from?

just a suggestion, never to leave your buffalo around your moose.

keep the moose away from that Buffalo will ya :lol:








































here is why

 

Job Interview

Dave was born without ears...and although he proved to be successful in business, his lack of ears annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great...he knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting...but at the end of the interview, Dave asked ..."Do you notice anything different about me?"..."Why yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears" came the reply.
He did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. ..and he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" ..."Well," she said, stammering, "you have no
ears." ...Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA...he was smart...he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" ...Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.... "How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man then fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, ..

"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no bloody ears!"

 

Germans can't say the word "Squirrel"
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SskKMbX6qmk[/youtube]

but to be fair English speakers can't say the German word for Squirrel, which is "eichhrnchen"

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FRD4uq1mVw[/youtube]

and Glaswegians cant say "Burglar Alarm"

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5WFl4E8VCI[/youtube]

 

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no-one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.


I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars?
This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'



'Because he's a Bullshitter.

He's never been out of the yard!'

 

:lol: