JOTD

But I understand Scotland:



Source: Scottish Lassies Endure


Source: Scottish sob story



Source: Scot declining a job offer


Source: Scot looking for work


Source: My Heart Attack Rules - Fried Mars Bar

 

Russian weddings reminded me of this 1, its an oldie but still a goldie

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDg8cbX-fpA[/youtube]

 

I've eaten fried mars bar. Tasted like 'pan chocolat' from a French bakery. Deep fried pizza was mentioned on SS the other day: A Scotsman friend had one every Saturday night on the way home like most people do kebabs. They can be battered or unbattered. Usually just a simple pizza - sauce, cheese, mushrooms. Delicious.

He works outdoors and not an ounce of fat on him.

 

I love Scotland and even their strange cuisine. Don't like their hamburgers though - a lump of rissole deep fried in batter.

They have the weather for that sort of food too. Apparently trekking to the North Pole used to involve eating butter like chocolate - best energy result for least weight of food to carry. (Learned that one at school They were a tough bunch those early adventurers.).

I suspect Scottish food is based on the same principle. lol

 

Talking of Scotland and the Scots...my biggest regret.
My parents were British, Greek speaking Cypriots, and born in Sydney I was blessed with a Christian name of 10 letters and surname of 14 letters. Hating both racial prejudice and wogs, I shortened it when I turned 21.

When I got married I did not realise at the time that a wedding certificate is the equivalent to a deed poll; my wife was a MacArthur, and had I had the presence of mind I should have taken her name and become Sammy MacArthur.

My life would have been more sophisticated then, drunk on scotch, wearing a kilt, skid marks everywhere I'd choose to sit, exposing myself on windy days... a so much better existence.

 

Some good laughs in this thread even for us Britts, to continue:

How can you tell a Politician is Lying
















His lips move!!

 

A Well Argued Court Case


The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning.

This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked. "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise the young lady overheard their remark' turned around and replied. "I will take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning as he prepared to leave the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125. I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit.

He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it would be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows. "Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented , but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.

The defendant's lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case.

Naturally, his defence was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!

"Your honour," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump. All labour performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore, ask that the judgement not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered.

"Your honour, My client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not know the well existed, he would never have rented the property, Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property less desirable to others. We therefore, ask that the judgement be granted."

In the judge's decision, he provided for the two options.

"Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote out a cheque immediately.

 

Love a law joke. (p.s. catch Rake - ABC series if you like dialogue).

The really good ones are from the court transcripts though.

A lawyer was cross-examining a young lady and attempting to impugn her character.

"Are you sexually active?"

The young lady replied:
"No, I just lie there."

 

Q. What's Blue and doesn't fit
A. Dead epileptic

 

Yes, I know it's old but it's the only law joke I know, and I still think it's funny...........



A deaf old judge was sentencing a career criminal at the end of his trial.

"Before I hand down your senence, do you have anything to say?" asked the judge.

"Turtle all" said the crim.

"What did he say?" the judge said to the clerk.

"He said ""Turtle all"", your honour" said the clerk.

"That's funny" said the judge, "I could have sworn I saw his lips move."

 

Schapelle Corgi

 

So much for Valentine's Day

I am not saying my love life is struggling, but ...

my wife won't even let me be her friend on Facebook.

 

My missus thinks she's funny.... :|

 

I don't get it? (Unless she is a rather large lady)

 

No, she is rather small.

Her take on flours and a card. :|

 

At least it was Homebrand.

 

A reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan to a pretty girl seeking a rich husband

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here.
I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.
You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.
My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?
I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?
Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.
If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.
I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I've met a few girls who don't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty

A philosophical reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan:

Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor.
My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.
From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.
Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money" : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.
However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year.
Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.
By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position".
If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased".
Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps.

signed,
J.P. Morgan CEO

 

What's pink and hard?













A pig with a flick knife.