JOTD

I have been searching for Pericles,

he asked me to read the road to serfdom

but I don't find it fascinating, after I discovered it on the abandoned road

where is his friend "Txxxxxxxxx" when we need his help most before he reach this post?

who can guess the right Mr T stands for ?

 

http://www.boredpanda.com/funny-chinese-translation-fails/

 

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently ", she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered,

"Is that one word or two?"

 

smart smartphones

[img=FluxBB bbcode test]http://cdn.walltowatch.com/files/0/0/0/6/00061844.jpg[/img]

[img=FluxBB bbcode test]http://cdn.walltowatch.com/files/0/0/0/6/00061845.jpg[/img]

 

Family Law

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

 

^ lol, does my bum look big in this

Or....Smile

 

It's not actually funny and it's probably "world known" already, but I like this video, so I've decided to share it:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBNYwxDZ_pA[/youtube]

Definition of stalker and elegance.

 

Ned Kelly appreciation day ?

 

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said:

"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable!"

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....

"Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct."

And the next ...

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syiASljau5w[/youtube]

 

Several days after President Obama was re-elected president, he went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home.


After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked his host if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see That Clinton had a gold urinal! Wow!


The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton 's private lavatory.
"Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too self-indulgent... even for me!"


Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.


Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:


"I found out who peed in your saxophone."

 

For the golf fans out there:

Bedroom Golf
* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before play may begin.
* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the
shaft stiffness before play begins.
* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.
* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is
satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the
course in the future.
* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The
experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being
given to the well-formed bunkers.
* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played, or are currently
playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a
player's equipment for this reason.
* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when
a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if
they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be
embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this
is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
* Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back
nine.
* Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at
least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in
one match.
* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional
assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason
many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

 

An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are marooned on a desert island. They start to brainstorm a way off the island.

The engineer says, "we can lash together some branches and make a crude raft and try to make our way back to land somehow."

The chemist says, "with the right materials we could build a really smokey fire and try to signal a plane."

The economist says, "okay let's assume we have a boat"

 

My son's first alcoholic drink

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters - he didn't like it, so I drank it.

Next I offered him a Carlsberg, he didn't like that either, so I drank that one as well.

In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.





By the time we got home, I was barely able to push the pram.

 

Been a while since we have seen JOTD on Page 2.

Figure I will get it going again and hopefully a few may enjoy the humour.

The next time you have a work Xmas Party think of this poor lady :lol:

It's that time of the Year

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

********************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty

*****************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange - no gift exchanges are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.
NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED.

********************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Patty

******************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???
Patty

*****************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up?
Please?????????
Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party

I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!!
No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

*******************
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!

:lol:

 

DEMENTIA QUIZ



FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT ON A STRAIGHT RACE TRACK LIKE THE STAWELL GIFT. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?


It's not a bloody curved track


~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~






ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?





SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE.....?
(SCROLL DOWN)




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~












ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??


YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?


THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.
TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000
NOW ADD 30. ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?


SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER......




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~









DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...



IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT... MAYBE...



FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:
1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???

2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?






~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~





DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!







OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
REDEEM YOURSELF:





A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?





~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~






IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

 

It's called lapping the backmarkers
Your theory is flawed

 

Spanner,

You have been hanging around the POW to long.

Please read my original post again :lol:

Now! Now! No editing

 

I deny your reality & substitute it with mine