JOTD

The blonde and the cow

A blonde city girl named Janet marries a Kununurra rancher named Lee.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, Lee says to Janet, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

Lee leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Janet takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Janet sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently..

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over home and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.

Boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

Blonde shows the boyfriend where she has the puzzle, spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....", he said with a deep sigh,





















"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

Real-life Harry Potter reveals why sharing the wizard's name has made his life a misery

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...haring-wizards-life-misery.html#ixzz2iiYOlhkI
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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...tter-reveals-sharing-wizards-life-misery.html

 

silver panda's price is really tired :lol:

 

Fat Freddy
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Re: JOTD

The "Joke of the Day" for today and every day running for a long, long time now is definitely...

SILVER BULLET SILVER SHIELD

Caveat emptor!



Am interested to know more. The punch line etc.

 

David Beckham gets into a London taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror.

After about five minutes the driver says: ''OK give me a clue.''

Beckham says: ''I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and played over 100 times for England, is that enough?''

The driver says: ''No, you thick c**t, where do you want to go?''

 

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.


When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.


A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.


The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shakyground.


The batteries were given out free of charge.


A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.


A will is a dead giveaway.


If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.


With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.


You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.


A boiled egg is hard to beat.


When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.


Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.


Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.


If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.


A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.


In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.


When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.


He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.


Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAQ5agmZaK4[/youtube]
vita pets don't screen there videos, they just upload them without checking the content it seems

 

PM---PM sent.

 

The Alphabet Wife

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an Alphabet wife - A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the heck does that mean ?"

He told her "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

She smiled happily and said "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J and K ?"

He replied "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling round his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

 

ice cream

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says...........

'Where's my toast?'

 

A woman and her wine

A woman and her husband are having a drink together on the verandah. She says, "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you." The husband smiles indulgently and asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."


Lawyer vs insurance company
This is (apparently) a true story.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires'.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
Now, for the best part
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest. Only in America no wonder the world thinks they're nuts.

 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNMq8XS4LhE[/youtube]

 

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they're getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You're not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?" She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kb0kiiB3O-o[/youtube]

 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ek4Wuz3xPRs[/youtube]

 

Great Mad Magazine cover !!!

 

So this guy goes up to a chick in a bar and says "I can tell you when you were born just by feeling your boobs"

Intrigued but a little unsure, she says "OK, I'll let you"

So he starts to have a good old feel and a grope. About thirty seconds later she says impatiently "Right! That's enough. Tell me when I was born!"

He says "Yesterday"