JOTD

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-07-12/queensland-rail-video-shows-people-moving-furniture/8700770

 

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154576311122115

 

Bars Are Different in Scotland… some hidden gems here.

 

These glorious insults are from an era “before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.



A member of Parliament to Disraeli:

"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."



"He had delusions of adequacy ."

~Walter Kerr~



"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

~Winston Churchill~



"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

~Clarence Darrow~



"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

~William Faulkner~ (about Ernest Hemingway)



"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

~Moses Hadas~



"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

~Mark Twain~



"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

~Oscar Wilde~



"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."

~George Bernard Shaw~ to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

~Winston Churchill~ in response



"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

~Stephen Bishop~



"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

~John Bright~



"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

~Irvin S. Cobb~



"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

~Samuel John~



"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

~Paul Keating~


"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

~Charles, Count Talleyrand~


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

~Forrest Tucker~


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

~Mark Twain~


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

~Mae West~


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

~Oscar Wilde~


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

~Andrew Lang~ (1844-1912)


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

~Billy Wilder~


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

~Groucho Marx~

 

Little Johnny and his father ran a one mule farm, and barely eked out a living.
One day Johnny hit the lottery winning 50,000 dollars. He burned rubber into town, collected his winnings,
and sped back home, where he told his father the good news, and handed him a 50 dollar bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment, and then reminded him,
"Johnny, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or
women or frivolous things." Then his dad admitted, "In fact, I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!' Little Johnny exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Sure do," replied his father, fingering the fifty dollar bill, "and a damn cheap one, too!"

 

You cannot trust English women during elections in the UK

During the day, they are conservative.

At night they become liberal.

Nine months later, they are in labour.

 

Good one!

That why UK is now rooted, same for EU.

 

sheeple with gold chains

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=964453220359240

 

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.

Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.

As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper,

wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.

She went down, and found the stranger waiting.

Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1

 

An older golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard; his club fell into the water.


When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"


The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.


The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "No.


The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. Again, the golfer replied, "No."


The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "Yes."


The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.


Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again

appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"



"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"


The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.


"Yes," cried the golfer. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"


The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Kate Upton, You would have come up with
Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Kate Upton."


And God was pleased.


The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!

Side note.............. "I did not know Kate Upton so I did some research."

 

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?" "Yes" St. Peter replies "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band it really breaks the tranquillity, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished. Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy".

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks "Who hit the duck?" The guy who had done it admitted "I did". St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen! St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud "I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

The woman responds "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck"

 

there was an eggcident

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154621563627115

 

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=944318189042820

 

Thanks a lot alor, now I will not be able to get this monkey out of my head every time I see someone with their nose in their phone.

 

Sheer Lingerie

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from 215 € to 429 € in price - the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the most sheer item, pays the 429 € and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on. I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the 429 € refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for 429 €, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Saturday.

 

https://www.thelocal.de/20170728/man-forgets-kilo-of-gold-under-tree-in-berlin-as-he-locks-up-bike

Man forgets kilo of gold under tree in Berlin as he locks up bike

 

Excellent advice

 

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1658931324117114

 

It's the summer of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says. "That's cool."

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "We know that Peggy Sue really likes to screw;

why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear.

Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt

with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying,

"Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house,

slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"Dammit, Daddy! The Twist!!! It's called The Twist!"