JOTD

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You were ageist in post #182, but I can forgive that. :lol:

 

A priest is on a subway train. A man opposite lowers his newspaper to reveal himself to be a hard-living man who smells of alcohol, has lipstick on his collar and is wearing rumpled clothes in which he has clearly been out all night.

With pain in his eyes, the man asks the priest: "Father, what causes dyspepsia, gout and cirrhosis?"

The priest replies: "My son, they are caused by a wild lifestyle, gluttony, alcohol abuse, and the company of wicked women."

The man says: "Amazing."

The priest says: "Would you like to be free of these ailments?"

The man replies: "I don't have them. The newspaper says the Pope has."

 

this has been a good thread, dont shit on it. Boring yawn

 

Dilligaf

 

Guys it's joke of the day, not sook of the day, gtfo

 

Give a man a gun and he can rob a Bank, give a man a Bank and he can rob the world.

jokes on us

 

My best JOTD was at Sydney University where I did my Bachelor of Divinity and Master of Theology.

In a room surrounded by priests, nuns and budding theologians, the pious lecturer in response to some comment replied, "Beauty is only skin deep."

I piped up, "Rubbish! I've been in six inches, and it's still beautiful!"

Only the nuns laughed.

 

OMG!!!!

 

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton
Die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.


Unfortunately,there's only one space left that day,
So the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,'Look at these,
They're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
And I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly,and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.


The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks,'What was that all about?

I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'


'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,

A Royal Flush

Beats a Pair -

No Matter How Big They Are.

 

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent to investigate him.

AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundy rum and a dozen beers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?

 

Had to send that 1 to my skipper :lol:

 

Emergency First Aid


A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Harry and Jimmie sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Can you swallow"? asked Harry.

The woman signaled "No!", desperately shaking her head.

"Can you breathe?" asked Jimmie. The woman shook her head, No!

With that, Harry walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the indent of her backside.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Harry swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Jimmie said in admiration "Y'know Harry, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Maneuver, but that's the first time I've ever seen somebody do it."

 

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out,
'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....





'We were at your birthday party yesterday' :lol:

 

The four types of lab:

 

Poor bastard!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EshJo952HY[/youtube]