JOTD

yea I don't drink anymore sober now 1 year 2 months never understood why I had to drink stuff that tasted like piss and lighter fuel

 

Reasons kids cry:

 

all bids are secured

 

The phone rings at Police headquarters. "Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, police descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the Cops come?" "Yep." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

 

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said: "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said: "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."


Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

 

http://www.facebook.com/rungsak.S/videos/1378036588889880/

good time to clean your wind screen

 

http://www.facebook.com/theofficialawesomejelly/videos/882058625255887/

An 8-year-old girl in Ireland loves to prank call people...and in this case, she calls a demolition company to convince them to knock down her school..

 

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Blow that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner,
talk about Dyson with death.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were 70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RACQ van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy..

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ...
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started
shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew
the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe
the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you,
today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

 

http://www.facebook.com/artlove.vn/videos/932501083470032/

silver price is just like the rocks since 2011

stacker is just like the guy running for cover

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

 

What Angela Merkel is listening before going to sleep every night.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dP9Wp6QVbsk[/youtube]

 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmwMhHlrnVU[/youtube]

 

Labor supporters.

 

It's 1st April joke from 2015.

http://jacksonville.suntimes.com/jax-news/7/115/146332/couple-arrested-selling-golden-tickets-heaven