JOTD

I don't watch the football but this was amusing

 

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
> A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
> Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
> The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it."
> The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
> The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
> The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
> The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."
> The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
> The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
> The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis..!"
> The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate..!"
> "Oh, thank God..!" the man exclaims.
> "Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Fall off by itself..!"

 

self cook crab

 

http://www.facebook.com/261460544207587/videos/279953672358274/

self drive bike wants to join the fish, being remote control by the angry fish

 

AN IRISH MOTHER'S LETTER.... a golden oldie!!

AN IRISH MOTHERS LETTER TO HER SON.
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.

We are all doing very well.

You won't recognize the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 30 miles away.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in, pulled the chain and haven't seen it since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him - he's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.
They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes.
Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.
Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you: your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in one of the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.

P..S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope

 

Not good scooter driver:

 

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."

 

Not really funny, more like very cool!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oym7B7YidKs[/youtube]

 

SECURITY AT UGANDA AIRPORT.

Idi Amin left behind this legacy!

 

Domestic verbal jousts with poetry


WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed..
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cg2CQqMaU1I[/youtube]