JOTD

yeah, its the year of the dog

 

No Joke...
Only in Australia.
Dingo eats shark while 2 snake get it on.

 

Malcolm Turnbull called Bill Shorten into his office recently and said, ‘Bill, I have a great idea. We are going to go all out & talk to country voters.’

‘Good idea Malcolm, how will we go about it?’ said Bill.

‘Well,’ said Malcolm, ’We’ll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick & an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog.

Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a typical old outback country pub, we’ll show we really enjoy the bush.’ ‘Right.’ said Bill.

Days later, all kitted out & with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog & up to the bar.

’G’day mate,’ said Malcolm to the bartender, ‘two middies of your best beer.’ ‘Good afternoon Malcolm,’ said the bartender, ‘two middies of our best coming up.’

Turnbull & Shorten stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now & again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog & lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head & went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in & lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Turnbull and Shorten could stand it no longer & called the barman over.

‘Tell me,’ said Shorten, ‘why did all those old stockmen come in & look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old outback custom? ’‘Strewth no,’ said the barman.


‘Someone told ’em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes.’

 

It's photoshopped - look at the border between the grass and the sand

 

_*This joke apparently won an award for the best joke in a competition held in Britain*_

_*Banta Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_

_*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."*_

_*Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."*_

_*The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.*_

_*Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.*_

_*One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.*_

_*When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."*_

_*Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no,"*_

_*He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is...*_

_*I have quit drinking"!!!*_

 

If a woman listens to you for less than 5 minutes then she is your daughter.

If a woman listens to you for about 15 minutes then she is your sister.

If a woman listens to you for over 30 minutes then she is your mother.

And ultimately

If a woman pretends to listen to you all the time but does not remember a word of what you said no matter how important, then she is....???????

..
..

..
..

Yes , Yes....

You are correct!!!!!!

.
.
*SHE IS DEAF*

Why bring wife into every joke ?

 

Knock Knock.

I forgot.

 

wow dude I think you just crossed the line with that one

 

Irishmans knock joke.
You start.

 

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=433364847109748

 

Hawaiian Gas attack

 

The rain was pouring down.

There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass, cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth", says the old man.