JOTD

Summary of supporters for the finals on Sunday
(Technically it's not a joke but thought I'll post it here anyways... )

 

bump for the soccer

 

JOTD is the Goldstackers Melbourne shop which doesn't have much to sell.

 

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life.. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the connections that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.'

My wife got up from her seat with the look of admiration towards me and proceeded to disconnect the Cable tv, DVD, ,the Computer, the Mobile Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, Gin, Vodka and Beer from the fridge...

I ALMOST DIED!!

-Think before you speak. The female brain works on a different wavelength!

 

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked.*
*MAID:* _What would you like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?_
*ME:* _Tea pls._
*MAID:* _Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?_
*ME:* _Ceylon Tea pls._
*MAID:* _How do you want it, black or white?_
*ME:* _White...._
*MAID:* _Milk or fresh cream?_
*ME:* _With milk._
*MAID:* _Goat milk or cow milk?_
*ME:* _Cow’s milk._
*MAID:* _Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?_
*ME:* _Uhm, lemme go with the freezeland cow._
*MAID:* _Would U like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?_
*ME:* _Sugar._
*MAID:* _Bee sugar or cane sugar?_
*ME:* _Cane sugar_
*MAID:* _White, brown or yellow sugar?_
*ME:* _Aiyo! forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water..._
*MAID:* _Mineral, tap or distilled water?_
*ME:* _Mineral water._
*MAID:* _Flavored or non flavored?_
*ME:* _In fact, get me an empty glass!_
*MAID:* _Do you want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?_

 

A 70 year old bloke called Ross loves to fish.


He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'


He looked around and couldn't see anyone.


He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'


He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.


The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'


The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I

will be your bride!'


The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.


The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'


He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, ….at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.

 

> CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT
>
> A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and if the truth be told he
> is a virgin as well - but she doesn't know that.
>
> On their wedding night she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
> undresses in the darkness.
>
> He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he
> whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you I
> give you anyting you want and I do anyting -- juss anyting you want. You juss
> ask. Whatchu want?' he says trying to sound experienced and worldly which he
> hopes will impress her.
>
> A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
> request.
>
> She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have heard
> about from odda girls. Numbaa 69.'
>
> More thoughtful silence this time from him . Eventually in a puzzled tone
> he asks her.
>
> 'You want Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'

 

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
>
> Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.
>
> It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
>
> They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
>
> They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he has never able to do the deed.
>
> The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
>
> "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
>
> " If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
>
> 'When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
>
> "If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
>
> The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
>
> The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
>
> "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?"
>
> The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
>
> "My wife is from Scotland.”

 

Economics Explained

Wife to her Accountant husband:
What is inflation?
Husband:
Earlier you were 36-24-36.
But now you are
48-40-48.
Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before.
This is INFLATION .


Economics is not that difficult if we have the right examples.
Interviewer: What is Recession?
Candidate: When "Wine & Women" get replaced by "Water & Wife", that critical phase of life is called Recession!!


Accountancy fact:
What is the difference between Liability & Asset?
A drunk friend is a liability.
However;
A drunk Girlfriend is an Asset.


An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having 2 wives.
A- Monopoly should be broken.
B- Competition improves the quality of service.
If you have 1 wife, She fights with you!
If you have 2 wives, They will fight for you!!

When you are in love,
Wonders happen.
But once you get married,
You wonder, what happened.

Philosophy of marriage :
At the beginning,
every wife treats her husband as GOD..
Later, somehow I don't know why..
the alphabets get reversed..


Secret formula for married couples...
"Love One Another"
And if it doesn't work, move the last word to the middle.!!!!

 

STRICTLY 18+

A Indian mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married during the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them...

"Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code"

So... after a week, the 1st daughter texted

"NESCAFE"

and the next week the 2nd daughter texted

"WILLS"

the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label

"fantastic till the last drop"

She then went to her husband's pack of WILLS cigarette and read

"Extra long, king size"

she smiled and said "not bad for their ages".

After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted

"Air India Chennai Hyderabad",

the mother then called Air India help-desk to enquire about their Chennai Hyderabad flight and they replied...

"it's 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 1 hour 30 minutes"

The Mother fainted

 

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=203456197021021

 

We need to tell you that there was some damage to the statue of the American Bison in front of the house in Big Sky. We did attempt to prevent the damage, throwing stones at, and hitting, the attacker. The attacker could not be dissuaded, and kept up his assault for eight hours. The incident even caused a traffic situation in front of the house.

The damage consisted of:
1) The loss of about two inches from the left horn. The broken piece is on the work bench in the garage.
2) Hoof scratches on the side of the Bison.
3) Some chips in the right rear hoof.
4) Blood stains behind the Bison.

The statue was also moved eight inches forward. We attempted to center the statue on the pedestal, but to no avail.




(True story!)