JOTD

drone tank

 

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=352222305213341

license not required

 

PUNS

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colour. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet'.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tyred.

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.

 

CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What's the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.” She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
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SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her driver’s license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together! Just yesterday they took my license away and now today you expect me to show it to you?”
________________
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.” The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?” “Well, no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.” “I thought so,” the doctor said, “Your finger is broken”
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KNITTING A Highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!” “NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!”
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BLONDE ON TIME A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named “Rolex” and one was named “Timex”. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” “Helllooooo...! ,” answered the blonde. “They're watchdogs.”
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FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.

 

Confucius Say: It's OK to let a fool kiss you; but do not let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for merchandise downstairs .

Confucius Say: It's better to lose a lover than to love a loser.

Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called Daddy.

Confucius Say: Man who mixes Viagra and Laxative does not know if he's coming or going.

Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland. one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride

Confucius Say: Joke is like sex. Not good if u don't get it.

 

*Clever Signages*

*A sign in a shoe repair store*: "We will heel you, We will save your sole,
We will even dye for you!"

Sign over a *Gynaecologist’s Office* : "Dr. George, at your cervix";

At an *Eye Clinic* : "If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.”;

On a *Plumber's truck* : "We repair what your husband fixed”;

On an *Electrician's truck* : "Let us remove your shorts”;

In a *Non-smoking Area* : "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action”;

On a *Maternity Room door* : "Push. Push. Push.”;

At a *Car Dealership* : "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”;

At the *Electric Company* : "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”;

In a *Restaurant window* : "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”;

In the front yard of a *Funeral Home* : "Drive carefully. We'll wait.”;

Last but not least and I LOVE THIS..........

Sign on the back of *Septic Tank Truck* :
*"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"*

 

Why did the blonde take a loaf of bread into the bathroom?

To feed the toilet duck.

 

Unmanned lorry rolls down Arab Street, crashing into restaurant, driver injured while chasing it

 

A woman gets pulled over for speeding.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your driver’s license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you, but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: I lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: Oh. Then may I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Woman: Can’t do that either.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I kidnapped the owner, tied him up and stuffed him in the trunk, if you want to take a look.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away and calls for back-up. Within minutes, five police cars roar up to the site. A senior officer slowly steps out of his car and approaches the woman, clasping his gun in both hands.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please? The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem, sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and kidnapped the owner.

Woman: Kidnapped the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you don’t have a driver’s license. The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a license and hands it to the officer, who examines it. He looks puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you kidnapped and tied up the owner.
Woman: I bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too

 

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME



WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:





1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you has screwed up my life.



2. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.



3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.



4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.



5. I thought that I could love no other

-- that is until I met your brother.



6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's

empty and so is your head.



7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.



8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!



9. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?



10. My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'



11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.



WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

 

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=818840474947884

hope there is no crazy driver trying to mob doggie

 

I've got a 1oz Certicard for sale. Fully tested.

I'll bet my life on it.

 

lol, don't think it is to soon mate

 

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=339138126488904

boys know how to make it rainning birds shit