JOTD

Discussion in 'General Precious Metals Discussion' started by DanielM, Apr 30, 2013.

  1. JulieW

    JulieW Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    He defines "incorrigible".

    Some classics:
    Here are some of Philip’s famous phrases:

    • “What do you gargle with, pebbles?” (speaking to the singer Tom Jones after the 1969 Royal Variety Performance)
    • “I declare this thing open, whatever it is.” (on a visit to Canada in 1969)
    • “Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.” (during the 1981 recession)
    • “It looks like a tart’s bedroom.” (on seeing plans for the Duke and Duchess of York’s house at Sunninghill Park in 1988)
    • “Yak, yak, yak; come on, get a move on.” (shouted from the deck of Britannia in Belize in 1994 to the Queen, who was chatting to her hosts on the quayside)
    • “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?” (to a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland, during a 1995 walkabout)
    • “It looks as if it was put in by an Indian.” (pointing at an old-fashioned fusebox in a factory near Edinburgh in 1999)
    • “If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed.” (to British students in China, during the 1986 state visit)
    • “You can’t have been here that long – you haven’t got a pot belly.” (to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary, in 1993)
    • “I wish he’d turn the microphone off.” (muttered at the Royal Variety Performance as he watched Sir Elton John perform in 2001)
    • “Do you still throw spears at each other?” (in Australia in 2002, talking to a successful Indigenous Australian entrepreneur)
    • “You look like a suicide bomber.” (to a young female officer wearing a bullet-proof vest on Stornoway, Isle of Lewis, in 2002)
    • “There’s a lot of your family in tonight.” (after looking at the name badge of the businessman Atul Patel at a palace reception for British Indians in 2009)
    • “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she’s not interested.” (on the Princess Royal)
    • “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”(on marriage)
     
  2. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    IRISH TALKING CLOCK

    After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

    He led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.


    ”What's that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

    “It's not a gong. It's a talking clock.” the drunk replied.

    “A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

    “YUP, it is” replied the drunk.

    “How's it work?” the friend asked; squinting at it.

    “Watch” the drunk replied.

    He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

    The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:

    “You ASSHOLE! It's 3:15 in the MORNING!”
     
  3. JulieW

    JulieW Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  4. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  5. l***g

    l***g Active Member Silver Stacker

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  6. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    The inventor of the Harley-Davidson
    motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
    At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have
    changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
    Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said,
    "I want to hang out with God."
    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
    God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson
    motorcycle?"
    Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
    God said, "Well, what's the big deal in
    inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
    Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
    God said, "Yes."
    "Well," said Arthur, "professional to
    professional, you have some major design flaws in your
    invention too:
    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
    3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;
    4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
    5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
    "Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,"
    replied God, "hold on."
    God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
    "Well, it may be true that my invention is
    flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to
    these statistics, more men are riding my invention than
    yours."
     
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  7. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    I went to the liquor store last Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

    As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

    It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
     
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  8. Lord_Dudley

    Lord_Dudley Active Member Silver Stacker

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    Air New New Zealand

     
  9. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    IMG-20171202-WA0008.jpg
     

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  10. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  11. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  12. Arch Stanton

    Arch Stanton Well-Known Member

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    Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon. So, today I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop And bought a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.



    When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."


    Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.


    When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!


    As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.


    I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.


    They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad! Just need to wear underwear more often.
     
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  13. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    An Engineer dies, and goes to Hell.
    Dissatisfied with the level of comfort down there, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
    One day God rings down and asks Satan,"So, how's it going down there?"

    Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    God is horrified.

    "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him back up here!"

    Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff.. I'm keeping him".

    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue".

    "Yeah, right, hahaha" Satan laughs, "and where do you think all the lawyers are ?"
     
  14. ozcopper

    ozcopper Administrator Staff Member

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    An atheist was walking through the woods.

    'What majestic trees!
    'What powerful rivers!
    'What beautiful animals!
    He said to himself.

    Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

    He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

    He ran as fast as he could along the path.
    He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....

    He looked over his shoulder again,
    and the bear was even closer ....

    and then ..... He tripped and fell.


    Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him .....
    reaching towards him with its left paw ...
    and raising the right paw to strike ...

    At that instant the Atheist cried out,
    'Oh my God!'

    Time Stopped ...
    The bear froze .....
    The forest was silent ....

    A bright light shone upon the man,
    and a voice came out of the sky ...

    "You deny my existence for all these years,
    you teach others I don't exist
    and even credit creation to cosmic accident ....
    Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

    "Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light ....
    "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ...
    but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

    ... a pause ...
    "Very well," said the voice ...

    The light went out.
    The sounds of the forest resumed ...

    And the bear dropped his right arm ....
    brought both paws together ....
    bowed his head & spoke ...

    "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive
     
  15. Stark

    Stark Active Member Silver Stacker

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  16. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
    Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs.

    I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    What did she think I had, an elephant?
    So, because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog; I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again.
    (Now I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
    I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
    Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
     
  17. Shaddam IV

    Shaddam IV Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  18. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  19. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  20. Arch Stanton

    Arch Stanton Well-Known Member

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    A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.

    Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

    The driver pleaded with him, ''Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?''

    ''Sir,'' the officer replies, ''You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous.''

    ''I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!'' the old man said.

    The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that ''22'' was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

    ''But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken.'' ''Oh, they'll be all right in a minute,'' the old man said.

    "We just got off Route 119.''
     

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