JOTD

Beleive it or not I went to Church last Sunday and I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:

"Dear Lord: The past year has been very tough for me. You have taken ...
My favourite actor - James Garner;
My favourite actress - Lauren Bacall;...
My favourite comedian - Robin Williams;
And finally, my favourite author -Tom Clancy.
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are -
Bill Shorten, Christine Milne, Sarah Hanson-Young and Clive Palmer. Amen!"

 

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.



This took a lot of time, so Fred bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.



Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out his efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, Old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this one morning he noticed that Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!



When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, Old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.



He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.



Fred was so proud of Old Butch, that he entered him in the County Fair, and Old Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.



The judges not only awarded Old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the " Pulletsurprise" as well.



Clearly Old Butch was a politician in the making.



Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.



Vote carefully in the next election --- you can't always hear the bells.

 

Arriving In Heaven....

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerised records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.


The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologises and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."


"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"

 

Carburetor
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."

 

Teenagers Vs Cats
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

 

The US military searched for Osama Bin Laden for over 10 years...


...then they found him at his house.

 

they should just ask his wife, instead of paying all those useless spices :lol:

 

BTW Julie, I got punched in the arm for forwarding on your 'past tents' pic.

 

Great Maxine


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Mackenzie King said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Parliament has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed.

 

Dark!

 

Is champ there?
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRRsXxE1KVY[/youtube]

 

the international law is applicable here.

 

What is the difference between a russian submarine and a scrotum.
The scrotum has live seamen in it.

 

Look at the expression on that dog's face....

 

If no one believes in Zombies

why do they nail down coffin lids?

 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4YvxaOS0Rg[/youtube]