JOTD

St Peter is at the Pearly Gates and sees two hoodies walking up to the gate. Not knowing what to do, he goes over to God and tells him there are two hoodies at the gates, what should he do.
God says,"You know the policy every who makes it this far is allowed in "
A few minutes later God sees St Peter walking back to him.
St Peter says," They've gone."
God says, "What the hoodies ?"
St Peter replies "No, the Pearly Gates."

 

One afternoon at the Royal...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

Source:

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.



The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head.. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down..

10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2014 models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$390,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $2,950,000' for it.
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $150,000 if it's really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

 

A priest books into a hotel and says to the receptionist,
"I hope the porn in my room is disabled?"
She replies, "No, it's just regular porn. You SICK bastard".

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

A man was admitted to hospital with six plastic horses up his bottom.. his condition has been listed as stable....

 

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple
is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way
you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Formula One charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

 

The Man Rules



At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules"

From the female side..

Now here are the rules from the male side.



These are our rules!



Please note. These are all numbered "1 "

ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.



1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.



1. Sunday sports; It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.



1. Crying is blackmail.



1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!



1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.



1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.



1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.



1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us



1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one



1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.



1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.



1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.



1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.



1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.



1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.



1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.



1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.



1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football

Or golf.



1. You have enough clothes.



1. You have too many shoes.



1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!



1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;



But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and NHS
paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a garage mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared
carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying: "I don't want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error
in the grade."

The instructor said: "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added: "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire
career."

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, the n give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."


:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not
Use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one
Morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis
And proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

 

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done... She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet , and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers...and then there are Educators.

 

In a Chicago Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP20 and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist... He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your pen!s is under your pillow."

 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my
wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in
there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on
man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"


He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a
#45# turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having worn tyres. So my wife called him a sh..- head. He finished
the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then
he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw that
the car had a vote for Julia sticker. We try to have a little fun each day
now that we're retired... It's important at our age.

 

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,

and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."