JOTD

Irish logic

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!

This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down,Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.

"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ......she never got your email!"

 

Hear about the fellow with five penises?
His underpants fitted him like a glove.

 

Classy Lady and the power of forgivness:

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who
shot President Reagan in 1981. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie
star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that
to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President
Reagan. There is speculation he may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy
Reagan to John Hinckley some time back. We could all learn so much from this
elegant and gracious lady:

To: John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we
are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our
country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we
bear no grudge against you for shooting Ronnie. We are fully aware that mental
stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're
confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your
family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie
Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

 

Source: Easter!

 

Its a fact of life.
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar goes W...T....F!

 

Barry O'Fail.
What bottle of wine?

 

:lol:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6-EDPFClew[/youtube]

 

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers,
"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Welluhthat's because the picture shows his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,
"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds,
"What's the matter with you two?!?
Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!!
Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds" think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmmthe suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answerwait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe itit's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work!
How were you able to make such an astute observation?

"That's easy," the blonde replied.

"He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

 

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress:

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us ... Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."

 

English language group names

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a:

Herd of cows,

Flock of chickens,

School of fish

And a Gaggle of geese, and

A Pride of lions.


However, less widely known is:

A Murder of crows

An Exaltation of doves

And, presumably because they look so wise:

A Congress of owls.


Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.........

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
Believe it or not . A Parliament


YEP....A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS!


Pretty much explains everything doesn't it?

 

So many legs, so little time . . .

 

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head
and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,

'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh?

Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.

'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'


'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

Cute dog. Can I have him?

 

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went out & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Color of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Color of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a jeans.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-Yes.
Inspector :-Colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband :-Black 1934 Ford Coupe with supercharged LS6 6.0 litre V8 engine generating 433 horse power teamed with a six-speed transmission with Hurst shifter. And it has full LED instrument panel, which use light emitting diodes for all dial functions and has a very small scuff mark on the front of the left side running board.....................and then the husband started crying...
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....We will find your car.

 

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks,
still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked,
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side
of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

A penguin driving across country stops for petrol at a roadside servo. While there, he notices a pool of oil under the car. He leaves the car with the workshop guy and goes off to have an ice cream in the shop. Now, penguins don't have hands and so he has to use his flippers to eat the ice cream, which is messy.
On returning to the workshop, the penguin finds the mechanic under the car. " Looks like you blew a seal" says the mechanic.
" No, no" says the penguin, "I was just having an ice cream" .