JOTD

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a rare female specie Gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla very cantankerous and difficult to handle, apon examination the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla was on heat.....
To make matters worse,there was no male Gorillas available.
While reflecting on there problem,the Zoo management noticed
Graham,a big Kiwi Lad & former all black,responsible for fixing the Zoos machinery.

Graham like most Kiwis,seemed to be possessed with the ability to satisfy the female of any specie

So the Zoo management approached Graham with a proposition.
Would he be willing to have sex with the Gorilla for $500.00.
Graham announced that he would accept there offer,but with 3 conditions.
Fust he said i dont want to have to Kuss her
Sicondly you must niver niver tell anyone about this

The Zoo management quickly agreed to these condtions,so they
asked him what the 3rd condition was.

Wull said Graham You gotta give me another week to come up
with the $500.00

 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwq73WHsCM0[/youtube]


Not really a joke, more food for thought

 

New Trend

There is a strange new trend in our office ... putting names on the food in the company refrigerator.

Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

 

Why did Captain Kirk's wife have a turd on her head?

Because William Shatner!

 

Did you hear what happened to Joyce Mayne?

Max Factor & Kelvinator.

 

What would happen if Claudia Schiffer married Brains from Thunderbirds?

She'd be Claudia Schiffer-Brains.

 

What's the difference between an a clever magician and Elle mcpheson?

One has a cunning stunt.

Please delete if not tasteful.....

 

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!


I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arse-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, swhat the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any press-ups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.

 

You have probably already seen it:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKgf5PaBzyg[/youtube]

 

A teacher's story about Stuttering


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room

 

A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside.

"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Labor Party and is helping to get Rudd re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

 

Little Jimmy's sat in the church crying. The priest comes up to him and says "why are you crying in church my son?"

"it's my daddy" says Jimmy, pointing heavanwards, "he's gone up there"

"Don't worry my son" says the priest, "he's with the angels now"

"No he's not" says Jimmy. "He's pinching lead off the roof"

 

An Australian travelling through England on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Australian Customs Agents at the airport. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the bloke.
"Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bob Hawke tattooed on one side of my arse and Paul Keating on the other.
"This I gotta see", replied the agent.

With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind.
"By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.
"Have a safe trip back to Queensland ."
"But how did you know I was from Queensland ? "

The agent replied, "I recognized Kevin in the middle"

 

I went fishing one morning
but after a short time I ran out of prawns.
Then I saw a redbelly black snake with a frog in his mouth.
Frogs are good barramundi bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth
I grabbed him right behind the head,
took the frog,
and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the problem was how to release the snake
without getting bitten.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels
and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back,
he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident
and carried on fishing
using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that bloody snake,
with two more frogs.

 

This bugger is balancing for more than 2 hours.

 

I've been watching this camera for 2 days solid now - bugger hasn't fallen off once!