JOTD

"Lexophile" is a term used to describe those who are clever with words, such as "you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish" , or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in Dubuque, Iowa. The year's winning submissions:
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
... The batteries were given out free of charge.
... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
... A will is a dead giveaway.
... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... Police were called to the daycare centre, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully re-covered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.
... Acupuncture is a job well done. That's the point of it.

FOR PEOPLE WITH A LITERARY SENSE OF HUMOR.

 

And this lot are for real.

 

^^^ "your need to express yourself is important but just shut the $uck up and don't express yourself"

 

Whatever you do don't look at the peas, it will do your head in...

 

I took this pic a few years back in HK when looking for a quick bite to eat one lunch time....

 

Two Queensland farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:
Maths, English, history, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a whipper snipper?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a whipper snipper."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I will give you an example. Do you have a whipper snipper?"
"No."
"Then you're a poofter."

 

Explosion Rips Through Danish Tax Office https://www.zerohedge.com/news/2019-08-07/explosion-rips-through-danish-tax-office

didn't know that some people pay with sparks powder must be the slow business in sparks powder and he got no cash, so he deliver his only stock asset instead
disgruntled usually pay with coins

 

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here .....
Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

 

In the Millennnial re-boot of Sienfeld coing to a Netflix screen soon, there will be a scene where Jerri (openly gay man) and Georgie (gender nonconforming) are mistakenly thought to me straight and have to defend the right to be heterosexual........."not that's there's anything wrong with it".

 

AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.

Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre. No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

 

moving to the dark side Bristol ?