JOTD

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=210002562982529

 

^ Blow jobs all round !

 

Malerilyn Monoroe

 

Senior Logic

I went to the Dan Murphy’s liquor store Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of single malt scotch whisky and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the very nice whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

 

Tequila

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR, NOTICES A VERY LARGE JAR ON THE COUNTER, AND
SEES THAT IT'S FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH $10 BILLS. HE GUESSES THERE
MUST BE AT LEAST TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS IN IT. HE APPROACHES THE
BARTENDER AND ASKS, "WHAT'S WITH THE MONEY IN THE JAR?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are
the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10
which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or
less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in
the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your
bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and
then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but,
your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few
more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
TEARS STREAM DOWN BOTH CHEEKS -- BUT HE DOESN'T MAKE A FACE -- AND HE
DRINKS IT IN 58 SECONDS!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained
to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling,
screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!


Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers
back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding
from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now...,
where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

 

can't find the "mind your steps" sign as usually seen after a train ride

"mind your pole slide ?"

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=520931291669712

 

Little Johnny

Teacher asked her class how many of them were Bill Shorten fans.



Not really knowing what a Bill Shorten fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Bill Shorten fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Bill Shorten fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Liberal.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, ‘Really..so If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what do you think that would make you?'

Little Johnny replied, 'A Bill Shorten fan.'

 

an apple and product --> broken apple product

 

Two economists are walking through the woods and walk past a pile of bear shit. The First Economist says to the Second Economist, "I'll pay you $100 to eat that pile of bear sh*t". The Second economist does and they continue their walk. They walk past another pile of bear shit and the Second Economist says to the First Economist, "I'll pay you $100 to eat that pile of bear sh*t". The First Economist does and they continue their walk. The First Economist then says, "I cannot help to think we both just ate bear sh*t for nothing". The Second Economist replies, "well not quite nothing, we did cause the GDP to grow by $200".

 

Programmers wife "can you go to the store and get a bottle of milk, and if they have eggs get 6". Programmer returns with 6 bottles of milk.