JOTD

Moderator, if this pic is inappropriate, please remove it, thanks

 

I need to borrow your feet

 

I picked up a hitchhiker on a lonely road last night.
After he got in and we drove off he thanked me and said "how do you know i'm not a serial killer?"
I replied that the chances of two serial killers being in the same car on the same night are astronomical.

 

Joke? No.... just a dumbass.
Funniest thing I have seen all week... I have been chuckling over it for the last 24hrs.
It is well worth the 2 mins watching.

 

BBC Comedy right on the money...
https://twitter.com/bbccomedy/status/1010189882503950336

 

Oldie but a goody:

 

A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her tax Returns.

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.'

He gets her name, address etc. and then asks, ' What's your occupation?'

'I'm a prostitute', she says.

The accountant is taken aback and says, 'That's too gross. Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.

'No, that still won't work. Need something more acceptable.'

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, 'I'm an elite poultry farmer.'

The accountant asks, 'What does poultry farming have to do, with being a prostitute?'

'Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.'

Chartered Acct: 'Brilliant! "Poultry Farmer" it is! and Agricultural Income is tax-free.'

 

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man

sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Australian Federal Police Drug Squad and that

the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.


'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off , and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana,

I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Gee, that's pretty good,'

replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed

two paws on the officer's arm. The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again,
I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,

jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave

like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

 

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner


Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.


The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show –

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

 

>The Elderly Irish Virgin .
>
>
>In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it !
>
>Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements.
>
> As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
>
>"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN , DIED A VIRGIN"
>Not long afterward, the old maid died peacefully .. A few days after the funeral, the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested; it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen .
> He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
>
>For days, he agonized over the dilemma , but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem .
>
>The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved , and it read as follows :
>
>
>
>"RETURNED UNOPENED"

 

A man in Newcastle Australia walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about his request so he walked into the back room and said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed him and was standing right behind, so quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy "I was very impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

 

>
> A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in *
> the groin area.*
> The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his
> desk.. *
> He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she
> hears snip, snip, snip, snip.*
> The doctor emerges from under her skirt. "How's that?" he asks.*
> "Well, it's a lot better actually" she says, "but..........it's still
> there." *
> Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip, snip..*
> Out he comes. "How's that?" he asks again more confident. *
> "That's wonderful! What did you do?" she asked. *
>
> "I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."*

 

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold SES cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop, you wanna buy a toothbrush?"

I used the Bill Shorten method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got an A+ for his assignment. Bless his heart.

 

What is the difference between a PhD in mathematics and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.