JOTD

Discussion in 'General Precious Metals Discussion' started by DanielM, Apr 30, 2013.

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  1. JulieW

    JulieW Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    Reminds me of an entry in the Darwin Awards:

    A fellow died when attempting to cut open a hand grenade with a chainsaw.

    I'd have given him the Award.
     
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  2. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  3. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    [​IMG]see an opening, better to get down to it
     
  4. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  5. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History.

    Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

    "Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

    Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

    "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult

    Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

    Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

    At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

    The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"

    Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

    Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

    Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

    The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, We're screwed!"

    Little Akio said quietly, "The people of Malaysia, when Najib was made Prime Minister, March 2009."
     
  6. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  7. Arch Stanton

    Arch Stanton Well-Known Member

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    A 70-year-old man was in his doctor's office, sobbing uncontrollably.

    "Doc, you've got to help me!

    I just recently married a 21 year old, gorgeous girl, built like a brick shithouse,

    and all she wants to do all day long is have sex with me."

    The doctor replied, "Some problem! So why do you need my help?"

    "I can't remember where I live!"
     
  8. Arch Stanton

    Arch Stanton Well-Known Member

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    Those Amazing Holes . . .The last one is the most hideous...

    These holes are not only amazing, but some are really

    terrifying! The sheer scale of these holes reminds you

    of just how tiny we are.


    Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa

    [​IMG]


    Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the

    world, this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of

    diamonds before being closed.


    Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California

    [​IMG]


    A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and

    water needs to be drained from the reservoir.

    It is the largest spillway of this type in the world and

    consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.


    Great Blue Hole, Belize

    [​IMG]

    This incredible geographical phenomenon known as

    a blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of

    Belize . There are numerous blue holes around the world,

    but none as stunning as this one.


    Sinkhole in Guatemala

    [​IMG]

    These photos are of a sinkhole that occurred in Guatemala.

    The hole swallowed 2 dozen homes and killed at least 3 people.






    SHIT HOLE, Washington D.C.

    [​IMG]

    This hole swallows trillions and trillions of

    U.S. Dollars annually!
    The money that falls into this hole is never


    heard from again, nor do we see any good come from it.


    It is reported to be filled with thousands of "ass holes."


    TRULY AMAZING!
     
  9. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    A Chinese moves to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

    He bought a home on a small piece of land.

    His Ozzie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

    He goes next door
    but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

    Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs',
    he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

    Next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese urinate into a glass and then drink it.

    Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom',
    he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

    A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the China-man leading a bull down the drive way .....pause...... and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.

    The Ozzie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the China-man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens.

    The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you.'

    The China man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs, I doing,
    these Australian Customs.'

    'What do you mean' says the neighbor, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'

    'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the China-man.

    'He say to become true Australian, I must learn to

    ..... chase chicks,

    ..... get piss drunk,

    and

    ..... listen to bull-shit!'
     
  10. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    Holey sites
     
  11. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    Joke to kick off the week...

    A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

    " I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

    The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

    "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.

    A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought of Jim's condition.

    Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

    "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. _*That word is*_: *_sternum*_."
     
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  12. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  13. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancée to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband, Andrew to find out more about the young man.

    The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

    "I am a Bible scholar," he says. "A Bible scholar? Hmmm," the father says.

    "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?"

    "I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us."

    "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

    "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us."

    "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

    "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

    The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.

    Later, the mother asks: "How did it go, Honey?"

    The father answers: "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
     
  14. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
    One of the guys says to his buddy:
    "Man you look tired."
    His buddy says:
    “Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
    She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day.
    She wants sex before breakfast, sex before I go to work, when I come home
    she’s tearing my shirt of as I come through the door.
    She’s got her hands down my pants after dinner.
    She even joins me in the shower almost every night. I just don't know what to do."
    A fellow in his 70’s sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
    He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said,
    ..................."Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that sh*t !!"
     
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  15. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  16. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    1. Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
    Guitar, for sale........ Cheap....... . .......no strings attached.

    2. Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
    Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

    3. On a bulletin board:
    Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.

    4. When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
    I Gave Up Reading

    5. My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
    He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

    6. You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
    Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
    Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off

    7. Sign In A Bar:
    'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'

    8. Sign In Driving School:
    If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way....

    9. Behind Every Great Man,
    There Is A Surprised Woman.

    10. The Reason Men Lie Is Because
    Women Ask too Many Questions..

    11. Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
    Snore And You sleep Alone

    12. The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
    Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

    13. Sign At A Barber's Saloon in Detroit :
    We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..

    14. Sign In A Restaurant:
    All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.
     
  17. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  18. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  19. serial

    serial Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    I have seen that chicken before!!
     
  20. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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