JOTD

Discussion in 'General Precious Metals Discussion' started by DanielM, Apr 30, 2013.

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  1. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    Zimbabwe ex-President will be remembered for his great wit. These are some of his quotes:

    1) "When your clothes are made of cassava leaves, you don’t take a goat as a friend."

    2) "If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don’t walk around with X-ray machines to see inner beauty"

    3) "When one’s goat gets missing, the aroma of a neighbour’s soup gets suspicious."

    4) "Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow"

    5) "Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real"

    6) "If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first."

    7) "What is the problem with deporting white men from Africa? We now have aeroplanes which can take them back quicker than the ships used by their ancestors."

    8) "Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end.

    9) Interviewer: "Mr President, when are you bidding the people of Zimbabwe farewell?"
    Robert Mugabe: "Where are they going?"

    10) "If I am given chance to travel through time, I will go back to 1946 and find Donald Trump's father and give him a condom"
     
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  2. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    The United States has a book called “HOW TO CHANGE YOUR WIFE IN 30 DAYS”, sold 2 million copies in a week.

    Until the author found that the title spelling error, the correct title should have been: “HOW TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN 30 DAYS”. After correction, for a whole week, only three books were sold.
     
  3. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    Kim should put this up on eBay so that people around the world can BID on it :)

    it will be historical $$$ earner for NK, hand written by the SUPREME LEADER himself !!!

    [​IMG]
     
  4. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    Prince Harry says he doesn’t want the traditional fruitcake at the wedding. Prince Philip says he’s going anyway
     
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  5. JulieW

    JulieW Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    He defines "incorrigible".

    Some classics:
    Here are some of Philip’s famous phrases:

    • “What do you gargle with, pebbles?” (speaking to the singer Tom Jones after the 1969 Royal Variety Performance)
    • “I declare this thing open, whatever it is.” (on a visit to Canada in 1969)
    • “Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.” (during the 1981 recession)
    • “It looks like a tart’s bedroom.” (on seeing plans for the Duke and Duchess of York’s house at Sunninghill Park in 1988)
    • “Yak, yak, yak; come on, get a move on.” (shouted from the deck of Britannia in Belize in 1994 to the Queen, who was chatting to her hosts on the quayside)
    • “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?” (to a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland, during a 1995 walkabout)
    • “It looks as if it was put in by an Indian.” (pointing at an old-fashioned fusebox in a factory near Edinburgh in 1999)
    • “If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed.” (to British students in China, during the 1986 state visit)
    • “You can’t have been here that long – you haven’t got a pot belly.” (to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary, in 1993)
    • “I wish he’d turn the microphone off.” (muttered at the Royal Variety Performance as he watched Sir Elton John perform in 2001)
    • “Do you still throw spears at each other?” (in Australia in 2002, talking to a successful Indigenous Australian entrepreneur)
    • “You look like a suicide bomber.” (to a young female officer wearing a bullet-proof vest on Stornoway, Isle of Lewis, in 2002)
    • “There’s a lot of your family in tonight.” (after looking at the name badge of the businessman Atul Patel at a palace reception for British Indians in 2009)
    • “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she’s not interested.” (on the Princess Royal)
    • “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”(on marriage)
     
  6. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    IRISH TALKING CLOCK

    After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

    He led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.


    ”What's that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

    “It's not a gong. It's a talking clock.” the drunk replied.

    “A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

    “YUP, it is” replied the drunk.

    “How's it work?” the friend asked; squinting at it.

    “Watch” the drunk replied.

    He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

    The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:

    “You ASSHOLE! It's 3:15 in the MORNING!”
     
  7. JulieW

    JulieW Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  8. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  9. l***g

    l***g Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  10. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    The inventor of the Harley-Davidson
    motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
    At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have
    changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
    Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said,
    "I want to hang out with God."
    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
    God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson
    motorcycle?"
    Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
    God said, "Well, what's the big deal in
    inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
    Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
    God said, "Yes."
    "Well," said Arthur, "professional to
    professional, you have some major design flaws in your
    invention too:
    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
    3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;
    4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
    5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
    "Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,"
    replied God, "hold on."
    God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
    "Well, it may be true that my invention is
    flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to
    these statistics, more men are riding my invention than
    yours."
     
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  11. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    I went to the liquor store last Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

    As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

    It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
     
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  12. Lord_Dudley

    Lord_Dudley Active Member Silver Stacker

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    Air New New Zealand

     
  13. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    IMG-20171202-WA0008.jpg
     

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  14. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  15. alor

    alor Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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  16. Arch Stanton

    Arch Stanton Well-Known Member

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    Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon. So, today I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop And bought a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.



    When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."


    Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.


    When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!


    As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.


    I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.


    They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad! Just need to wear underwear more often.
     
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  17. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    An Engineer dies, and goes to Hell.
    Dissatisfied with the level of comfort down there, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
    One day God rings down and asks Satan,"So, how's it going down there?"

    Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    God is horrified.

    "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him back up here!"

    Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff.. I'm keeping him".

    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue".

    "Yeah, right, hahaha" Satan laughs, "and where do you think all the lawyers are ?"
     
  18. Stark

    Stark Active Member Silver Stacker

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  19. Aurora et luna

    Aurora et luna Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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    A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
    Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs.

    I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    What did she think I had, an elephant?
    So, because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog; I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again.
    (Now I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
    I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
    Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
     
  20. Shaddam IV

    Shaddam IV Well-Known Member Silver Stacker

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