JOTD

There were two identical twins - Jack and Jon. Jack was single and Jon was married. Jack was a proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. Strangely enough the same day Jon's wife died, Jacks boat filled with water and sank. A few days later a kind old lady met Jack and mistaking him for Jon said "Oh, I am so sorry to hear your great loss. I suppose you feel terrible?"

"Well, no" replied Jack. " I am not a bit worried really because she was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she sank like a dead fish. The first time I tried to get inside her she made water faster then anything I ever saw. She had a big crack and a pretty big hole in the front, and the hole kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so big I couldn't handle her at all, and when anyone used her she leaked like hell. This is what finished her off. Four guys from the other side of town wanted to rent her for a good time. I told them what she was like, but they said they would like to ride in her anyway. The result was that when they all tried to get in her at once, it was too much for her and she just cracked right up the middle.".....

The old lady fainted.

 

When I was young I decided to go to medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letters:

P N E I S

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are my friends ...

 

A man walks into the Electoral Commission and says to the receptionist, "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be a Green M.P."

The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form OK until he came to the question, "Are you circumcised?'

So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?"

She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible."

He then asked, "What difference does it make if I am circumcised?"

She replied, "To be eligible to be a Greens MP you have to be a complete dick".

 

Paul is on a hill with his grandson. He points down to the village below and says to his grandson
"See all those houses...I built most of them with my bare hands but do you think they call me Paul the house builder?"
"And see that church...I built that with my bare hands but do you think they call me Paul the church builder?"
Paul shakes his head and says "but you have sex with a pig one time......"

 

An oldie but a goodie.

 

A teen calls 000 in hysterics.
Boy: Hello? I need your help!
000: Please state your emergency?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
000: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

 

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the
groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.
He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under.
A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
The doctor emerges from under her skirt.
"How's that?"
"Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there."
Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
Snip, snip, snip, snip.
Out he comes.
"How's that?" he asks again more confident.
"That's wonderful! What did you do?"
.
.
.

"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

 

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

The policeman fainted.

 

A man gets on a bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and asked."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

A cowboy and his new wife had just got married and found a nice hotel in High River for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, 'You want the Bridal"?

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

 

FFS Greg! LMFAO

 

Woman bails up the millk man doing his run
She says "Im wondering if you have enough milk to fill my bathtub, I've heard its good for the skin"
The milkman checks his stock in the van and asks "Pasteurised?"
She replies " No, just up to my tits please."